


Old Habits

by modelinmate



Series: glee habits [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, Post S3, repost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-03
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:30:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 33,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25090141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/modelinmate/pseuds/modelinmate
Summary: New York 2012Instead of breaking up after graduation, Finn and Rachel get married. Their first year in New York does not go how either wanted, and Rachel finds herself in New Haven more than what is deemed necessary.
Relationships: Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray
Series: glee habits [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1817140
Comments: 3
Kudos: 33





	1. part one

Santana Lopez. That's whose fault this all was. That's where all of this started. And with only six words.

Rachel Berry's summer had kicked off as Rachel Berry-Hudson. She had spent a week debating the hyphen before legally changing her name. It may have been selfish, but the second surname was usually dropped in celebrity life and as much as she loved Finn and their marriage, she had been dreaming far too long about seeing the words _'Rachel Berry'_ illuminated on bright marquees. Sometimes she still couldn't believe it. Married. It felt like a dream. She supposed, in a way, it was. To be fair, it was hardly the first event in her life that had felt more like a dream sequence than reality.

After graduation, Finn picked her up and they must have spent an hour just driving around together, listening to their favorite playlists. They were both nervous, and finally Finn pulled his truck over to make sure this is really what Rachel wanted to do. It wasn't meant to be an ultimatum. Finn never gave her one. He was content with agreeing to whatever it was Rachel chose. And she wanted to marry him. _One_ _day_. But they were already engaged, and what would breaking an engagement entail? Surely that would be the end of them, and they had worked too hard to give up after everything. They loved each other. She wasn't sure why it mattered if they did this now or a few years from now. They were always going to end up in the same place.

They drove to the courthouse, and to Rachel's surprise, their parents and friends were all waiting for them. Finn shyly confessed that he had planned this all with Blaine just in case. She couldn't recall ever being prouder of him or loving him more. It was the same wedding they almost had months ago just in different attire. The only significant change was that Quinn had arrived safe and sound whereas Coach Sylvester was nowhere in sight. A trade Rachel would take every time. It may not have been the wedding she (and her dads) imagined having at the Plaza when she was a young girl, but it was _real_. She was marrying the love of her life. (Besides, they could just renew their vows at the Plaza on their twentieth wedding anniversary.)

Tearfully, Rachel and Finn swore their vows to each other. The glee club sang them "White Dress." Everyone returned to her home for a small reception. Then when they later left, the newlyweds had no idea what to do. They had not discussed sleeping arrangements. _Living_ arrangements. She had just assumed that would come later, like at the start of the fall term. After an animated debate amongst the Hudson-Hummels and the Berrys, the Berry men won (of course), and it was decided that Finn would move in with them. So for the last two months they had been practicing living together by rooming as husband and wife in her fathers' basement. Rachel _really_ couldn't wait to move to New York. New Directions' final summer party was admittedly a nice vacation from all this.

The gleeks chose to throw it during the first week in August. Timing wise it worked out perfectly. Mercedes's father had a dental conference scheduled in Las Vegas and was taking her mother on their own trip. Mercedes mentioned it to Brittany who told Santana who then told Puck, and the boy begged until Mercedes agreed to let them use her house. He had insisted that their group needed a party to unwind. Irish had recently moved back to Ireland which left a rebounded Sugar into over-pursuing Artie. Sam and Mercedes were still dealing with their mutual breakup, and in about three of weeks everyone would be moving away. So Mercedes caved.

Rachel was glad that she wasn't in charge of hosting this party like their last one. And she had to question why Mercedes wasn't automatically the go-to party thrower. Dentists apparently made good money. _Maybe Finn could become a dentist._ Her house was gorgeous. Sizable but not empty. There was an array of snacks and drinks on display in the newly remodeled kitchen. Only wanting to moderately become under the influence, she slowly sipped her first drink of the night as she gave herself and Finn a private tour. But that was about as pleasant as the night got.

Kurt and Blaine spent the next two hours discussing Kurt's future and what it meant for them. Tina and Mike made similar progress. Brittany and Santana avoided the talk completely. Santana instead seemed hell-bent on getting under Quinn's skin. Despite the happy occasion, the two had been fighting about something before they had even arrived. Rachel never could entirely figure out their relationship, and in hindsight, it probably would have been a good idea to keep them away from the alcohol. Having gotten tired of doing nothing more than straddle Artie's lap, Sugar shouted out the need for everyone to play Spin the Bottle. Rachel, Blaine, and Kurt all immediately protested while Santana immediately countered with Truth or Dare. Sugar could simply dare Artie to kiss her when the time came and was fine with this compromise.

Sam had to stick his face in Puck's armpit. Rachel had to tell everyone how often she and Finn had sex while her fathers were home. Blaine had to sing his least favorite song. Brittany had to put her leg behind her head. Flirting, Brittany then _'dared'_ her girlfriend to kiss her which regrettably gave Santana the opening she had wanted. With her turn she trapped Quinn. Whether she had decided truth or dare, it was obvious that Santana was going to demand an answer to the same question anyway. Rachel could admire Quinn meeting the challenge head on and swiftly selecting truth. It was then with her common, derisive lilt that Santana flipped everything upside down.

_Who really won senior prom queen?_

A familiar weight sat on Rachel's chest as the two former cheerios stared each other down. Neither blinked, and Santana took it upon herself to break the rules and answer her own question.

Brittany was the first to respond to the news, as carelessly as expected. "I totally knew that already."

"Fuck you, Santana." With a glare, Quinn stormed off toward the downstairs half-bath.

Santana was not at all fazed. "I thought you'd have someone else in mind!" she shouted after her, slurring with a cackle.

Most of the glee club (read: everyone) was then looking to Rachel for her reaction. For once she'd rather not have their attention on her. It was stifling, and she needed air.

"Excuse me."

Rachel collected herself and quickly got up to leave. She didn't have a plan and wound up on Mercedes's front porch. It was exactly what she needed, cricket sounds notwithstanding. Unfortunately, she was alone for only a few minutes before the front door was opening and closing behind her. She had expected that it would've been Finn to follow her outside. Maybe hoped that it would've been Quinn to come talk about everything. Instead, it was the one who started all of this that quietly joined her.

"Are you here to divulge more truths?" she asked as Santana came to stand next to her.

"Everyone thought I should apologize. I'm not sure what for, but you know, sorry."

"Your apologies need work," Rachel informed spitefully and headed down the Jones' front steps, having no idea where she was going just intent on getting _somewhere_.

"Fine. I'm sorry you're so sensitive and Quinn's so whipped. Better?" Santana followed down the steps after her, though her strides were less precise as she tried not to trip.

Rachel spun back around to face her once they were both back on solid ground. She was certain that equal footing would be paramount to this conversation. "You don't even care about what you just did or how hurtful it was."

"Hurtful? Okay, now I'm lost."

She paced in her steps and got back behind Santana in order to be closer to the house now. She wasn't sure which direction felt safer. This action only seemed to succeed in making Santana dizzy, though. Rachel couldn't be bothered to care. "I just had to sit there in front of all of our friends while you told them my prom queen win was fake. T-that you and Quinn orchestrated the whole thing. And why? Because you thought it would be funny?"

"Jesus. How drunk are you?" She rolled her eyes, quite hypocritically given her own blood alcohol level. "This was a _nice_ thing. We gave you a _crown_. How are you upset about this? Isn't there anything you won't cry about? I mean, I get why Quinn is pissed, it's what I was going for, but you?"

"Exactly. You _gave_ me a crown. I didn't win it. I didn't win over our class or peers or even my friends." Despite the confetti New Directions was finally showered in after taking Nationals, Rachel had been waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop on her prom victory. She had been surprised enough that she wasn't being _Carrie'_ d. She just didn't expect the truth would hurt this much. "You know, I really thought that I finally got them to like me. That they finally respected me. That they saw me to be Finn's equal. But that was just another lie. I couldn't get one of them to vote for me, could I? Not one. Not ever."

"Are you even listening? You got one of them to vote for you over a _hundred times_. And I had to write all that shit out so really you got two. Congratulations. No grow up and stop acting like we were trying to betray your fragile, little ego."

"I don't understand."

Santana appeared not to hear her and launched into a halfhearted rant as she began pacing now herself.

"You know she could have given it to me. You didn't even fucking want it. I was there. _I_ campaigned. Because, yeah, as shocking as it probably is to you, you're not the only one who had a relationship. Do you get how cool it would have been if me and Brittany won? Instead of some wedding top standard. And I was her co-bitch. Who, by the way, only lost by one vote. _One_. But I guess Berry having a breakdown trumps that. And that's why she did it. Because you were a tad depressed that week. You were more depressed than the girl in a wheelchair. I guess you did win that part." Rachel bit her lip at the reminder of Quinn's accident, and Santana came closer; probably smelling the added vulnerability. She had no clue why the other girl was being so cold. They were all friends now, right?

"And let's be honest here for a second. Quinn always bends for you. Bends so she doesn't break. It's gross. Not to mention really fucking pathetic. Even for her. Like I'm starting to have trouble even being near her when she's near you. It's so nauseating Pepto-Bismol should be paying for my college fund by now."

"Stop. Just stop." Rachel crossed her arms protectively around her midsection, careful not to spill her drink, and tried to gather her bearings. None of this was right. "Quinn wouldn't–she was campaigning with Finn. They were shoe-ins. Finn and I even argued about it. I don't…Why would Quinn give it away after she went through all the trouble? And like you said, we know what state she was in. I'm sure winning would have lifted her spirits. So why-"

"Because she's in love with you," Santana scoffed as if saying the words physically pained her to do so. "Honestly, you can't be _that_ blind."

 _Blind?_ No, she wasn't blind. But everything Rachel had ever known about her natural born auditory abilities was tossed out the window because _surely_ she had misheard. Did alcohol have adverse effects on hearing too? They should warn for that on the labels.

Yet Santana appeared to be serious as she stood still, waiting for a rebuttal. As if what she said… _was what she said_. Okay.

No.

This wasn't possible.

She and Quinn had spent _years_ fighting heatedly over Finn. She had cared a great deal for Sam and had a _child_ with Noah. Santana had wandered so far off base that if it had involved virtually anyone but Quinn, the situation would have been comical. _She_ , however, actually respected the blonde. Something Santana obviously needed practice in. Santana's angle here truthfully did only seem to be self-serving. Rachel was disappointed in that, and her ultimate response, she felt, was adequate given the delicate topic.

"I've read _Wicked_ more than once and yes, obviously I picked up on the subtext. Just like I know that in a town like Lima, it's hard to find diversity. The queer female population here I'd assume is low, and I'm not sure what access you may or may not have to a high speed internet connection. So on a very basic level, I can appreciate your lesbian agenda and desire to have someone else to relate to, but Quinn and I, that's…She's not in love with me. That's-that's just _silly_ ," she laughed a bit over the words. _Over the very idea._

"Okay, that was offensive on, like, three different levels." Santana continued to look like everything about this conversation repulsed her. "Like I'd even _want_ this. Like Quinn Fucking _Fabray_ isn't way out of your league. As if yours truly and every girl in that house isn't a better option. Hell, _Kurt_ is a better option than you." Rachel found that comparison more offensive than anything she said. "So sorry to burst your heterosphere, but it's not an 'agenda'." She took the time to (sloppily) air-quote. Rachel just inhaled and remained calm.

"I'm married to Finn. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him. An-and Q-Quinn's straight. She doesn't have romantic feelings for me, Santana." She tried to smile again, but despite her range of facial controls as a future actress, it just felt like a grimace.

"We're all aware that Finnept doesn't have a shred of a life and had to chain his to yours. We were in the wedding, remember?" If she could, she'd take back Santana's invitation. Evidently, the girl shouldn't have been welcomed into their surprise wedding ceremony. "And Quinn? Quinn's ambisextrous at best. Where have _you_ been the last four years?"

"You're clearly inebriated. Tomorrow when you replay this in your head, you'll realize how little sense you're making."

"No, actually it makes _perfect_ sense. You just don't want it to because it fucks with that sad, desperate picture you keep painting. The one where everyone finally respects you because you used to be some huge loser but now you're some Broadway big shot who married the star quarterback and is friends with the pretty, blonde cheerleader? Quaint." Her smirk was playful, friendly even, before it dropped away. "Except you're not friends, Rachel. Face it, Quinn will _never_ be your friend."

Rachel wanted to slap her and almost gave into the urge. She had no right to be saying any of this. None of it was even true in the first place. They were supposed to like each other now. She gave Santana one of her eight wallet sized school photos, complete with the backdrop that cost extra! Instead, she clutched her cup– _sayin' what's up to my cup_ –and decided to focus on the last part. It seemed most important seeing as what spurred on this whole conversation. "We _are_ friends. Okay? You can't just erase that or–or _change_ that just so you can win at some–some argument."

"Look, she might indulge you and tell you that you are, but it's only so she doesn't have to admit anything. Just like you won't have to acknowledge _everything_." Santana smirked again before backing away and holding up her hands in mock surrender. "But whatever. I was trying to help tonight, but fuck it now. In a couple of weeks none of this will even matter. Q will start getting her experimenting on at Yale, and you'll be living out your demented version of some '50s housewife, dropping to Finn's every whim and crushing your own dreams in the process. And you know what? I support that."

She could feel the crack in her cup as she grasped it. It was the only shield she had against her anger. Quinn at Yale would _not_ be an experiment. She had worked too hard to get her future right. And New York would be Rachel and Finn making their dreams come true _together_. Well, Rachel was going to make her dreams come true while Finn would find a dream of his own, but same difference. Screw Santana Lopez and her need for downgrading everyone else. Really, that had gotten old ages ago. She suddenly wanted to hurt her back. It wouldn't be difficult. Santana was never actually _'keeping it real.'_ She lashed out due to her own insecurities. It would be easy to toss them back in her face. This suddenly seemed like a _great_ idea.

Okay, so maybe she was a little drunk after all.

"You're just jealous. You're jealous that Quinn's going to the college of her choice while you're going to be nothing more than a cheerleader for another four years because you have no other options. And you're jealous that Finn and I are going to be together and that we're going to make it while you and Brittany will be separated by state lines. It's why you're being such a _bitch!_ "

She was breathing heavily by the end and worried that Santana was going to hit her as she came forward. She looked pissed and had no cup to clutch. Not that Rachel thought a cup would stop her from doing so anyway. However, Santana just strode forward and stopped right in front of her. Her hands momentarily stayed at her sides.

"Take it from someone who's been there, the denial only lasts so long. Eventually, it'll catch up to you. And I was going to be there as a friend who can sympathize, but no." She backhanded the protector cup out of her hands. Rachel watched it sail and fall into the grass. Santana didn't even seem to notice. "You just lost that." Walking around Rachel to go back inside, she stopped behind her and made sure to get in the final word. "I guess that means you're down _two_ friendships."

Rachel kept her focus resolutely ahead of her. Across the street, Mercedes's neighbors had left their garage light on. It was more important to center in on that than to turn around and give Santana the satisfaction of seeing what destruction her words had caused. She waited until she heard the door slam closed behind her before collapsing in on herself.

She was _not_ going to cry over this. Santana was wrong. The facts were very simple. They were friends now. They gave each other advice and offered support. It had taken them years of heartbreak and torment to even get here.

_Quinn wasn't…_

She cared about this relationship–no, _friendship_ –just as much as Rachel did. It was _Quinn_ who said she wanted them to stay in touch next year. And it was Quinn who bought them the train tickets to do so. Did that sound like someone who no longer wanted to be friends? _No, absolutely not._ Rachel had half a mind to run inside and argue over this final point with Santana. It would put this completely unwanted turn of events behind them as they each entered into their new lives. However, she somehow doubted Santana would even hear her, and it'd be nothing but a frustrating waste of her time and energy.

Perhaps it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because by the time Rachel encouraged herself to go back inside and rejoin her friends, everyone had seemingly forgotten about the prior exchange. Truth or Dare had officially ended, and the club took to dancing throughout the living room. Quinn and Santana had apparently talked and made up while she was still outside, and soon, amidst all the laughter, Finn was pulling her away to whisper promises into her ear. The night ended on a positive note, and to Rachel's relief that continued into the rest of their summer.

The final weeks they spent together as a group in Lima were as peaceful as they had ever been. There were no fights or any other breakups. Each senior packed their bags and with a tearful goodbye, left one by one. No one brought up prom, and Santana's ridiculous, drunken theories were not ever mentioned.

It was almost like the entire thing never happened at all.

*

Two weeks after the party, Rachel and Finn were moving out. Burt and Leroy had taken them earlier in the summer for a weekend trip of apartment hunting in New York. They had found a loft apartment within the adjusted price range out in Brooklyn. It needed to be furnished and would require far more commuting than anyone wanted, but it was _theirs_. Their fathers signed on the lease as the renters because two teenagers, married or not, would never get the space. Besides, they were the ones paying for it.

Rachel's fathers were helping to pay the tuition that financial aid didn't immediately cover while Finn's parents took what they deemed as his college fund and used it to pay for the loft until the couple could eventually live on their own. In the meantime, Rachel and Finn were responsible for all utility bills, groceries, and any entertainment purchases. Using her existing bank account that mostly consisted of a life's worth of birthday and bat mitzvah cards, Rachel was in charge of furniture. Some of it was inexpensive, like the shelves Finn found at a yard sale. The rest of it drained most of her account until Rachel had no choice but to apply for one of those student credit cards companies kept sending her. They used it to buy everything else they needed like dishes and linen and pulsating showerheads. They were alone and together and happy until the bill came. Apparently, credit only lasted so long.

They had begun eating microwavable meals which were not at all suitable for her diet. But then her diet was not at all suitable to their budget. Cable television was out. Their phones were now on a pay-as-you-go plan. Subways and walking were the only forms of transportation. It was far worse than either had anticipated. Thankfully, Finn finally found some luck in his job search and was hired as a mechanic at a privately owned auto repair garage. He was hired on to eventually replace one of the older workers who would be taking a desk job within the next year. The pay was minimal, but it was exactly what they needed. Rachel only wished it wasn't necessary. Finn may have confessed that he only _really_ wanted to pursue acting because everyone in glee was going into show business and it would mean they would always be together, but Rachel knew he had bigger dreams than some undistinguished, everyday job. Even if he hadn't found them yet.

Between work and school, they didn't have much time together. They saw each other in the morning over breakfast and in between their showers, and then they'd be together again when Finn returned home. Once they got settled into their daily routine, they didn't have many struggles to work through. They didn't have many issues to talk through. They didn't have much to talk about at all actually. Without their friends and glee club and all the drama, there was no conversation cushion. Rachel was sure that this was normal, though. As soon as they met some new people, it would be much different. They just had to be patient.

*

They were only in New York for a month before they were provided with that much needed buffer. Kurt had taken an internship at Vogue so, of course, him moving in with his brother and best friend made all the sense in the world. It probably wouldn't have for most newlyweds, but Kurt's father was still paying their rent so even if they were upset, it would be tactless to say so. Nevertheless, that was all moot because Rachel _loved_ having Kurt there. She finally had someone she could talk to about all the things she couldn't share with Finn. Kurt could understand while her husband refused to try.

NYADA's annual underground Sing Off against its rival performing arts colleges was upon them. Students from NYADA, Tisch, Juilliard, and Marymount were to get together at an undisclosed location as they had for decades, and only a select few freshmen were invited. It was a great honor to be chosen, and Rachel had been ecstatic. She had assumed Finn would be equally happy for her. And while he was, Finn was more focused on the fact that it was a guy who had picked her to represent their team. A guy who had asked her out prior to this.

Brody Weston was older, attractive, and interested. But she had quickly told him she was married, and after explaining that she was not making a joke, he had apologized and offered to be her friend. It was innocent, but being an outsider, Finn wasn't allowed to come and see that for himself. Only enrolled students were allowed at the Sing Off. Objectively, if their positions were reversed, Rachel would probably take up the same issue if Finn was running off in secret with an older woman who wanted to date him. So in order to keep harmony, Rachel elected to stay home, and they spent the night cuddled on their secondhand couch watching _Almost Famous_.

On Monday, Rachel was informed that NYADA lost, and Brody expressed his disappointment in her. He had gone out on a limb to invite her as his choice, and instead, they were short a singer. Rachel didn't like the insinuation that she owed him anything and decided it would be best to cut ties with him all together. She was sure she'd make other friends.

*

Kurt and Blaine broke up during the first week in October. The distance had gotten to them recently, and Blaine had a hard time handling the fact that Kurt's attention was drawn away to his job and _only_ his job. It was depressing to watch two of her closest friends go through this, but she also took a small pride in knowing that she and Finn had not fallen to the same obstacles. They were the only couple left from glee. Even _Mike and Tina_ were struggling with the separation. It was rewarding, in a way, to know that they were right to get married.

They kept this to themselves out of respect for their roommate, and Finn was even considerate enough to propose that they cut down on their publically displayed couple time until Kurt has stopped mourning his relationship. Rachel agreed as she knew firsthand how grating it was to watch two people in love when your own heart was shattered. Due to not actually having walls, this moderation also sooner or later trickled into their bedroom activities. She reworked their weekday schedules to now exclude Wednesday Sex. Finn used the time to catch up on his sleep, and Rachel would practice the dance routines that were giving her the most trouble. It was far from the worst trade off.

*

Their first argument came off what had started on a positive note.

Rachel wanted them to go to a party some of her classmates were throwing at the dorms. It was Friday. Neither of them had anything to wake up for tomorrow. It would be fun, and Finn could meet some potential friends from NYADA. Sadly, Finn had worked an hour of overtime to finish something or other on a transmission (Transmitter? She hadn't been listening to the precise details.) and was close to exhaustion. All he wanted to do was snack over his video games for a while to unwind and then go to bed early. She hardly wanted to pressure him or cause him to pass out in public so she assured him that he could just come along next time. But as she and Kurt went back to getting ready, Finn had seemed shocked that they were still going.

That was where it turned sour.

This entire _situation_ was not working out how Rachel planned. She was supposed to be starting her future, and Finn was–well she wasn't sure _what_ Finn was supposed to be doing she just knew that he was supposed to be there. Even if he didn't want to come along, he could still support her. Instead, he just seemed irritated and demanded to know if _'that Brody guy'_ was going to be there. She hadn't even been talking to Brody, solely because out of respect for Finn, and refused to dignify the accusation with a response. (Also, because Brody _was_ going to be there and that would only start a separate quarrel despite the fact that she had no real desire to seek him out.)

Kurt was haplessly stuck in the middle and had to decide if he wanted to follow Rachel to the party or stay home with Finn as he stewed in his irrational jealousy. With an apologetic shrug to his stepbrother, Kurt joined Rachel in Manhattan. The party should have been amazing. It was her first college party. She was surrounded by peers who shared her same goals and interests. She had freedom and (relative) independence in the city of her dreams. But Kurt seemed more in his element than she did. He looked like he belonged. _At least one of them was having a good time_.

When they returned home, the pair retired to their respective bedrooms. Finn was already in their bed, but it was clear that he hadn't gotten any sleep. She crawled in next to him, and they glossed over the whole ordeal. It was easier to just ignore it.

*

"Are you leaving?"

Rachel looked up from her phone and over to her spouse. Finn was staring at her packed bags in dread as his words caught up with her. His posture was rigid. The rejection was evident; as if this was something he had been expecting to happen and had already prepared for. She wasn't sure what that said about their marriage exactly.

"I'm going to see Quinn. At Yale. We discussed this last week."

"Don't you think we should talk about everything instead?"

"We can talk when I get back."

"So it's more important to you to go see Quinn's new life than work on ours," Finn called after her in her exit.

"That's not what I said!" Rachel released her small rolling suitcase and spun back around.

"It kind of is."

"Finn, I want to see my friend. I can't keep… _dropping_ everything I want to do and experience just because it doesn't involve you."

"Yeah, well you're not the only one with a life outside of this apartment, Rachel. I've made friends here too. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe I want to go hang out with them sometimes instead of listening to you talk about whatever happened in school which always seems to be the same thing anyway? I get it, NYADA's great, but sometimes I don't need that thrown in my face. Especially when all I'm ever telling you is about some dumb, new customer at work!"

She took a deep breath as Finn's shout echoed away. "If that's really how you feel, then I suggest you take your own weekend and spend some time with your own friends. I'll be home Sunday afternoon."

By the time she got to Grand Central, Rachel realized she may have missed an important point. Finn had obviously been more upset with himself than he was with her. She didn't know how to fix that for him, but she wasn't sure he could do it alone either. She briefly contemplated calling the trip off and going back home. Quinn would understand, and there would be plenty of other dates to do this. However, she really didn't want to wait any longer, and as awful as it sounded, she didn't want to deal with Finn yet. While she understood where he was coming from, her anger from his own incapability of being reasonable still stung, and her desire to talk to someone who understood the rigorous transition into college was too strong. So Rachel got on the train.

She and Quinn hadn't talked as much as she would have liked since moving away to school. They called each other occasionally, but mostly they were keeping in touch through biweekly emails. Rachel would email lively reports to everyone in glee about New York, and Quinn was usually one of the few to respond. They were short exchanges that covered the basics and divulged nothing more, impersonal really.

She couldn't lie. It had been disappointing. She had expected that their friendship would only have continued to grow. She had not anticipated a standstill. They weren't living that far from each other, and why else did they have these passes if not to use them? But at the same time, Quinn truly had seemed that busy. They had debated meeting up a few times, but this was the first time both of their schedules had been freed up enough for a weekend getaway. That and Quinn's roommate was driving home for the weekend to visit her family.

It was about two hours before Rachel arrived in Connecticut. Quinn was exactly where she said she'd be, and Rachel wasted no time throwing her arms around her in a tight hug. It was just so great to see her again! Her hair was a little longer than it was the last time they were together and her smile was a little wider, but she was still the same Quinn. Yale hadn't turned her into a snooty trust-funded republican nor had she reverted back to chasing after a reputation that Rachel would have no place in. She seemed more carefree now than anything.

Quinn drove them back to her residence, having borrowed her floormate's car, and after dropping off Rachel's things, took her around to give them a brief tour. They walked around the gothic campus together, all the while Quinn was filling her in on New Haven and its theater district which she knew would interest her. She met a few of Quinn's classmates. She got to see the library where Quinn had warmed her way into getting a student job. It had been an enviable position, one that freshmen simply have not earned. But the graduate student who was managing everything took a liking to Quinn Fabray's charms. _No surprise._ He'd be an idiot not to. From there, Rachel was shown the supposed entrances to Yale's secret steam tunnels that either resulted in arrest or death. Finally, they stopped at a small bistro Quinn frequented to get a quick brunch before heading back to the dorms.

After settling in and getting comfortable, she was being handed a bottle of water from the room's mini fridge. "So how are you? How's NYADA?"

When Rachel will later think back on this conversation, it will strike her as an important sign that Quinn asked about NYADA before asking about Finn. For now, she was all too pleased to gush about her school.

"NYADA's wonderful. It's the perfect launching pad, and the references I'll get cannot be bought. Some of the professors have actually _been_ on Broadway. Okay, so they've actually just produced shows on Broadway but still. Admittedly, the success rate after graduation isn't as high as I'd like it to be. And my classmates, Quinn, they're _so_ talented, the best in the country. Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'm going to be one of those statistics that doesn't make it. It's nerve-wracking being around some of them. I couldn't even _train_ to do the things they do."

"I somehow doubt that." Quinn snorted. "You've always stepped it up for competition. Including sending some poor girl to a crack house. I'm sure being around talent of your caliber has somehow made you better. If not more insane."

"Maybe," she agreed coyly. "Just the talent part, though. And I'm supposed to be modest now so that's just between us. Apparently pride, no matter how self-aware, does not look good on anyone unestablished and over sixteen. That's the first lesson at NYADA. It's in our unofficial motto."

After Quinn's amusement at that died away, she moved on to the topics that Rachel would rather not be discussing. "How are you and Finn?" This question was tighter, as if she was reading a line, as if she didn't want to actually be asking it. And it was that inflection that momentarily broke something in Rachel.

A small part of her wanted to just blurt out how right Quinn had been all along; how marrying at their age was unwise. Even though it was insane and impossible, it felt like maybe if she just admitted that, then her world would right itself, and she could go back to that day and redo it all. Or maybe go back farther when she and Kurt stood on stage and sang their hearts out, and she was reminded that it was New York and Broadway that would always hold her heart captive. They would always be there like they were supposed to. That would never change.

But it didn't work like that, and Rachel was still determined to see this through. So as she had practiced for many of life's disappointments during her early adolescent years, she held her chin up and put on a bright–but not too bright–smile and went about answering as best she could.

"We're great. Finn's still working full-time and has made some new friends, and I really think we're adjusting well to living in the city. And, of course, Kurt is living with us too which admittedly put a damper on the honeymoon phase, but we're really good."

"Good. That's good. I'm glad you're happy. You've gotten everything you wanted. That's pretty amazing."

It was a nice thing to say. Mainly because Quinn did genuinely seem to think her accomplishments were amazing, but she really wanted to scream at the girl. It should have been obvious that she, in fact, was not happy like Quinn was assuming. Yet here she sat in a Yale dormitory that, frankly, was too small for human life with Quinn Fabray who appeared lighter and more at ease than Rachel could ever recall seeing her. It was like leaving Lima and everyone behind was all Quinn ever needed to be secure and happy with herself. And while Rachel could admire that, she couldn't help but highlight how unfair it all was. Hadn't leaving Lima and McKinley for much brighter lights been _her_ dream first? It was all she had ever wanted and worked for.

So why didn't it have the same effect on Rachel?

*

When she returned home, things were better for a while. She and Finn did not fight. It was working again, almost as if all they needed was some time apart. Their apartment routine was going smoothly until Kurt mentioned that he was thinking about NYADA again despite how much he loved his internship. He insisted that he could do both and scheduled himself that week for the spring semester auditions.

Rachel was thrilled, but she noticed underlying Finn's encouragement was a twinge of distress. It couldn't be easy to watch his wife and stepbrother go off to school and their futures without him. She wanted him to feel included. Finn would _always_ be with them, and she had the perfect plan to remedy the situation. It only took a day or so to execute.

While Kurt was in the shower, Rachel determinedly strode into their kitchen where Finn was scarfing down his breakfast. He really should eat slower, it wasn't healthy. She removed his plate and replaced it with a pile of papers.

Finn stared down at where his waffles had just been. "What are these?"

"College brochures." She grinned. "I picked them up after my morning workout yesterday. They're local schools, of course, and cost-effective. You can go part time. It won't interfere with work. I already called their admissions to make sure. I think CUNY is the best fit. They have campuses in all the boroughs so you wouldn't even have to commute as far as I do."

He set down his fork. "And when exactly would I do this?"

"Well, _now_ ," she answered with a small smile. Really, that seemed obvious to her. "You can still apply for the spring semester. McKinley will send in your transcripts. You have more than enough references."

"No, I mean, when would I have the time. I get off work at five but I don't get home until after six. Then we eat and I finally get, like, two hours to do nothing before I have to go to bed so I can get up early enough to shower and jump on three different subways. Where does school fit in that? At night when I'm sleeping?"

Rachel frowned. She had expected her husband to be hesitant. She didn't think he'd be angry about the proposal. She was only trying to help, but he just seemed insulted. "Finn, it's…you don't have to enroll. I know how hard you work. But I also know that you don't want to work as a mechanic for the rest of your life."

"Why not? It pays well enough right now, and the longer you stay in it, the more money you make. I could open my own business one day like Burt. There's nothing wrong with that."

"I didn't say there was."

"Not everyone needs to be famous. I know pretty much everyone from glee is trying to be, but some people do normal stuff. Why can't that be me?"

"I just thought that maybe you'd want to do something that that isn't…"

He glared up at her in a challenge. "Isn't what?"

" _Necessary_ ," she stressed. "You know, I thought that you could do something because you _wanted_ to for a change. Not because you felt a responsibility to. You have so much to offer, Finn."

He swallowed as he stood up from their small table. "You can't always get what you want. And it's not the right time for college. Maybe later. Like when you finish at NYADA and get your big role and everyone else gets to see how awesome you are." He reached for her waist and gave her his half-smile that she always loved. "Then _you_ can bring home the turkey."

She giggled. "Bacon. Not that I'd bring home either."

"Right. But I can just go to school then." Her laughter died away.

"You shouldn't have to put your life on hold like that."

"Working isn't putting your life on hold, Rachel. I wish you could see that." Finn let her go and stepped away, obviously wounded.

None of this had been her intention.

*

Rachel was uncertain and waited a day to apologize. They had said only a few words to each other in passing since her proposal the previous morning. She wanted nothing more than for them to just make up with each other and move on from everything that had been weighing on their relationship for the last couple of weeks.

"I'm sorry." She took a seat on his lap as he watched television. "I shouldn't pressure you. Not everyone knows what they want to do with their life or have tight-knit bulletins dedicated to every step on the way to their future success and stardom since they were five."

Finn chuckled and leaned up to kiss her softly. "I'll figure it out. I promise."

"I know. I believe in you."

Finn had always taken a great strength from her pride in him, and his next kiss deepened quickly. The make-up ended up in the bedroom, and it was nice but it was also different.

For the first time, she wasn't nervous. No matter how many times she had been with Finn intimately, she had always felt those anxious stirrings of anticipation. It was similar to being onstage. But the butterflies weren't there. Instead, it was only comfortable. If she had been in her thirties and they had been married over a decade, she may have even called it routine. But it was much too soon for that obligatory marital rut, wasn't it? They were nowhere near having early midlife crises.

The void, however, began to bleed into the rest of her life, and Rachel was almost helpless in stopping it. It was impossible to stop something you didn't understand.

*

Thanksgiving was upon them and after a few phone calls, it was discovered that all the gleeks were heading home. They decided to have a small reunion over their short break. It would be great to see everyone and catch up. Rachel couldn't wait to prove to all their friends that she had made it; that _they_ had made it. Finn agreed to her suggestion of inviting Quinn out for the weekend to show off their apartment. Having someone other than Kurt see what they've accomplished was essential. They both thought New Directions was more likely to believe Quinn than the three of them.

Their blonde friend took in the loft with all the appropriate compliments and less enthusiasm than had been hoped for. It was easy to ignore, though, as they still had the whole day ahead of them. Rachel had a plan for her and Finn to show Quinn around NYADA and some of New York's lesser known attractions before returning home for an impressive home cooked dinner.

The trio left, and before they got even ten minutes away, they were short a member. Rachel and Quinn began talking excitedly about school, and that was when Finn quit.

"Hey, why don't you two go ahead?" He held them back. "I've already seen NYADA, and anyway, it's probably not fair that we stuck Kurt with dinner just because he's the only one who won't burn down the loft. I'll go give him a hand."

With a goodbye kiss to his wife, Finn left them there.

Quinn frowned after his exit. "If Kurt needs help, maybe we should go back."

Rachel shook her off. "Finn just doesn't always understand or want to talk about NYADA. It's difficult that he's not there too."

"Right."

It was said skeptically. Quinn clearly had questions, probably like why would Finn be at NYADA? That wasn't his dream. It was hers.

"And it's not–I mean sometimes I'm not particularly interested in the garage either. I don't blame him."

"No, I get it." She didn't seem to but Rachel let it slide, too afraid of starting an argument, and Quinn was already dragging them forward anyways. "Come on. I want you to show me your school."

She couldn't help the smile on her face.

Much like the tour Quinn had given her, Rachel chose to take them around NYADA's campus and the blocks it resided over. It was a weekend and they had no reason to go into the dorms, so no introductions were made. She thought about maybe going to Callbacks, but it was still early and they'd probably lose track of time. Rachel would rather they keep to themselves, and following Quinn's lead, they instead stopped for coffee at NYADA's own hidden café. The coffee was horrible, but with her student pass the prices really couldn't be beat.

"So? What is the final grade?"

"It's nice."

" _Nice?_ Did you _miss_ the conservatory studio?"

Quinn smiled, setting down her coffee on the small table they had snagged. "I think it's perfect for you. I can't picture you anywhere else."

There had always been a part of her that craved Quinn's approval and hearing this was doing wonders for her ego. _And her heart._ Rachel valued their friendship so much. She wasn't sure how that ever could have been brought into question.

"Why did you rig the prom queen vote?"

Quinn was visibly caught off guard at the change in subject. Rachel wasn't even entirely sure why she asked it herself.

"I was hoping you forgot about that."

"No such luck." Not for a lack of trying, though. "Santana basically told me it was out of pity, but then–Quinn, you say these things, and I'm not sure what to believe."

She scoffed. "Santana just should have kept her mouth shut."

Rachel wasn't about to argue with that and waited for the answer to her question. Quinn sat up straighter, unblinking as she debated even responding. For a moment, Rachel was worried until the girl relented with a sigh and played with her cup's sleeve.

"When we counted the votes and I found out I won…it wasn't what it was supposed to be. I used to have this very specific vision of prom and, well it was stupid, but when I finally won I realized it just didn't matter. Everything I had been doing to try and win was shallow, and you reminded me that I didn't need to do that because I wasn't that girl anymore, and I didn't need that validation." She paused. "I think I really needed to hear that."

Quinn gave an awkward shrug before continuing. "Besides, Santana was more pissed about Brittany losing than anything so it wasn't difficult to convince her to go along with it, and for whatever reason you stopped thinking you could do this." She gestured around them, rather nonchalantly given the period in Rachel's life she was talking about. "We thought it would mean more to you, but it's just a stupid crown. It's not that big of a deal."

"But it is. Or it was at the time," Rachel insisted and reached across the table to grab Quinn's hand, ignoring the way it tensed under her palm. Quinn really shouldn't have felt guilty. Rachel _may_ have initially thought that it was all a mean prank, but clearly, it wasn't. It was sweet actually. "Quinn, it made me feel like I could do anything. And the fact that you'd give me that-"

"And Santana."

"Right, yeah, her too." She waved off the interjection. Honestly, Santana didn't seem all that accountable in this. "What I'm saying is: Thank you. It meant–it means a lot to me. _You_ mean a lot to me."

Quinn removed her hand and clutched her drink, shaking her head. "Don't mention it. Seriously. Don't."

She laughed at the warning and how embarrassed Quinn seemed as she drank the last of her coffee. She never would have thought that she'd get Quinn Fabray to blush.

*

Rachel, Finn, and Kurt flew home together for Thanksgiving and were picked up by Sam in Columbus. The drive home consisted of a retelling of their parents' newest plan. Dinner was going to be held at the Hummel residence where Carole and Hiram were currently cooking up both families' traditional meals. Burt and Leroy had been playing referee, and Sam was in a rush to get back out of fear that he would miss out on who was declared the winners. Never mind the fact that it wasn't technically a competition. So in order to save on time, they forwent dropping Rachel and Finn's luggage off at the basement and just headed straight over to Kurt's.

The kitchen was a mess but the hugs were bountiful, and immediately, both families were talking over each other to catch up on everything that had been missed. Cooking contest forgotten, Burt and Leroy sat down with Sam and Finn to watch football and actively root against the Cowboys. Kurt joined them and tried to get a feel of the game but mostly criticized the uniforms. Rachel stayed in the kitchen to help her father perfect her vegan casserole, answering all of Carole's questions about school and Finn's work regimen. Rachel reassured her that her son was not working too hard. Finally, dinner was served, and they all sat to happily chat over their lives and relationships.

The classic family holiday scene was natural. Even Sam's additional presence was natural. This was her life now. This was going to be her life next year and every year after that. The thought was so suffocating that Rachel barely held it together before having to excuse herself to the restroom.

The cold water on her face did not help. Opening the uselessly small shower window did not help. She could grab her phone from the couch without being noticed, but everyone she would normally call to vent to was sitting at the table not two rooms away. She had no one. It would put a damper on Kurt's night which wasn't at all fair. Her fathers, they would just smuggle her away with a phony birth certificate. And Finn...She hadn't seen Finn this happy since summer. He clearly loved being back home where everything was familiar. He seemed so content in just being one, giant happy family.

So why wasn't she? What was so wrong with her that she couldn't even manage that?

*

The party at Brittany's house the following night was the best possible distraction. This reunion did not have expectations. No one was around to disappoint or worry. Here, she was happy being with Finn. Their relationship had always made sense in glee, and being surrounded by their friends quickly reminded her of that. It was so heartening to see everyone together again.

Rachel hadn't even realized how much she missed Artie and Brittany and even Sugar until she saw them huddled, talking to each other. Mike and Tina were pleasant as always. Noah and Mercedes talked her ear off about LA, specifically Hollywood. Blaine hugged her so tightly that she laughed from the force of it. And so long as they didn't have any potential, reality-altering conversations, it was even great seeing Santana again. (Teen Jesus was also there, but he really only seemed to want to talk to Quinn, and Rachel found that bothersome enough that she didn't even try remembering his actual name. It really wasn't worth mentioning.)

This party ended up working far better than their last one (and the one before that) as no one dared to suggest playing any games. For a while it wasn't even so much a party as it was a chance to socialize as a group. The current New Directions had Sectionals coming up and were worried they were going to lose to the Warblers. They hadn't been able to fill the seniors' spots and had been using their band members again. Kurt excitedly filled them all in on his fairy godmother of a boss at Vogue, ignoring Blaine's heartbroken expression. Mercedes was singing backup professionally and helping Noah expand his pool cleaning business outside of LA to help it grow. Santana supposedly hated Louisville and was thinking about dropping out. Mike was street-dancing with a group trying to make a name for themselves online in the freestyle dance community. Quinn would _not_ tell them about the secret society she had joined, and then it was the Hudsons' turn.

Rachel had tried keeping them all informed on their happenings when first moving to New York, but at some point she simply stopped caring enough to bother. She _could_ brag about NYADA if she actually participated outside of going to class. And Finn's job hadn't changed at all since she used to send out the monthly emails. The couple just ended up telling their friends that New York was exciting and that it's all going well. No one seemed overly inclined to buy it, but they didn't outright say so either. Instead, Sugar declared this party dull and turned up the music. The party became an actual party which was more than welcomed since Rachel suddenly needed a drink. Or ten. Her mood from earlier had definitely run thin, and as the night wore on all remnants of it were gone.

Everything began to annoy her.

Finn spent too much time playing counter beer pong with Sam and Puckerman in the kitchen. Mike and Brittany treated everyone to a sloppy dance off that Tina was playing judge to and no one else was watching. Santana demanded to know everything about Los Angeles from Mercedes, as if she could make it there too. Kurt and Blaine tried to talk privately, shooing her away. Artie and Sugar disappeared into a bedroom which she felt was rude. And Quinn, well _Quinn_ actually began to engage her stalker, like that was _ever_ smart behavior. Eventually, trapped in an unexpected haze of Jacob Ben Israel's worst deeds, she lost sight of them amongst the party goers.

Rachel wandered off in search of the pair without anyone stopping her. Why Quinn–a student at _Yale_ –would want to waste her time with some high school nobody was beyond her. They didn't even have anything in common other than a fondness for Jesus which they just _happened_ to share with only a few million other people. It wasn't at all unique or special, and Rachel planned on loudly telling the girl this as soon as she found her.

Brittany's house wasn't anything like Mercedes's. It had less square footage which perhaps could have made it cozy, but upstairs, toys were spilling out of her brother's bedroom, and cat toys were spilling out of her own. It was messy, the interior décor clashed with no purpose, and she could have _sworn_ that she smelt a faint whiff of marijuana the deeper she explored. After getting through the clutter, there was still no sign of Quinn or the barefooted boy she was probably attached to– _and how was that at all attractive?_ The only point Rachel reached was a dead end. A dead end that apparently led up.

The set of stairs were barely two feet wide and free of carpet unlike the hallway that led into them. (Why was _Extreme Makeover_ no longer a show?) They curved twice at sharp angles, and regrettably, there was no railing in sight which made climbing them absurdly more difficult than it had to be. They didn't even _lead_ anywhere. Nothing was at the top but a small window overlooking the backyard and the _ceiling_. Nothing but that and a gloomy looking Quinn Fabray.

_Found you._

"You're alone," Rachel noted, oddly relieved. It occurred to her when she got to the top that maybe Quinn wanted to be alone. Maybe that's why she was hiding on this purposeless, forgotten staircase. "Where's whatshisface? He doesn't make a very appealing shadow."

"Someone's drunk."

She succeeded in not spilling her empty cup– _red solo cup, I fill you up_ –and plopped down next to her _friend_. "I, Quinn Fabray, am not drunk. You're just mad I pointed out your boy dependency." This would have been more convincing had she not missed sitting on the correct stair.

"My–my boy dependency?" Quinn scowled down at her. Rachel couldn't figure out how she was so high above her. "I don't think I've had one of those in a while, thanks."

"Well you have one tonight. I've been watching," she informed. "Sam's nice. We had dinner with him. You used to have one with Sam."

"Briefly. Two years ago. And I'm not even sure I'd categorize it as a dependency." Quinn was being very patient with her right now. She could see that much. Rachel pushed forward anyway.

"You lived with Noah. _That_ was dependency. Literally."

"Okay." Quinn started to get up to leave. Rachel almost felt bad about kicking her out of her secret spot.

"And Finn. You lived with him too. You were going to sell houses with Finn. Marry him. And he'd fix cars." Rachel frowned, suddenly very upset. "Do you know how much that hurt me when you told me that? How much it hurt to know that Finn would choose to date you again even though you cheated on him first? I couldn't understand that. What made me so different from you?" She could feel the tears and saw as they began to blur her vision. Quinn must have seen them too because she sat back down.

"Finn's an idiot."

"I didn't hear what you were saying then. Not really. I just thought you were being mean and w-was too focused on how it felt like we all went back in time. I was so worried that you were just–just _erasing_ my relationship with him, and it was so stupid, Quinn, it was _so_ _stupid_ because I know what you were saying now. You didn't really want to marry him and sell houses and you're so lucky you didn't and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you." The sob choked her, and she ran a fitful hand through her bangs, turning away. "God, why didn't I just listen? I never listened. I don't know what I'm going to do."

"C'mere." Quinn moved a step down to pull her into a one-armed hug. Instantly, she wilted into her side. Rachel would probably look back on this tomorrow with some form of embarrassment. She really needed to stop drinking. "You're going to be fine, Rachel. This can all be fixed, okay? It's not the end of the world. And it's certainly not rock bottom, trust me."

"It feels too late."

"It's not."

"I don't even know how I got here."

"You got here because you never give up on what's important to you."

She pulled back a bit and wiped at her tears. "And that's a bad thing?"

"I don't know. But if you're not happy, then I don't think it's a bad thing to let go either. You deserve to be happy, Rachel."

"Even if that comes at the expense of someone else's happiness?" She wasn't even sure anymore if Finn would be entirely unhappy about walking away. His dream couldn't _really_ be fixing cars.

Quinn seemed to be confused by this too and was suddenly hesitant about what she said. "It's okay to put yourself first, you know."

Rachel didn't think that was very true. And it definitely wasn't true now when she had legally sworn otherwise. Most of the time people had always berated her and told her she was self-centered when she chose to do something for herself and only herself. Quinn included, but that hadn't been for a while.

"Would you put me first?"

Quinn didn't seem comfortable with this question either. She shifted quietly and pulled her arm away before clearing away her agitation.

"You mean if I were in your shoes?" That was not what Rachel meant. "Probably. But I've always been more selfish than you," she joked, bumping their shoulders. Rachel didn't think that was necessarily true either. "Come on. You can go clean your face, and then we'll get back to the party. They're probably wondering where we are anyway."

They weren't. And Rachel would have rather spent the rest of the night with Quinn on that tiny staircase that no one seemed to care about. She felt broken. Admitting out loud that her life was not going the way she wanted was supposed to relieve her of her burdens. Or it was supposed to feel that way anyhow. But now she just felt worse and she had to go downstairs and pretend everything was fine. No one noticed something was wrong, and if they did, they didn't bother saying anything. They just gave her a very specific look. Rachel was sick of that look. It was her fathers' default faces now. She had to see it on Kurt every single day. Mercedes, Sam, Santana, even _Puck_ all had it.

And Quinn. She had that look too. But she also had another one whenever Finn was the topic of discussion. One that wasn't sad exactly. Just resigned. Rachel recognized what it was now. That brief flicker of emotion in her eyes that appeared every single time before it went away and she said everything Rachel wanted her to say. It wasn't there tonight. Maybe there was something to be said about honesty. Because Quinn looked–

 _Quinn_ _was_ …

Quinn had feelings for her. A part of her was willing to believe that now. And it hurt. Just like everything else, it hurt. Because there really wasn't anything to do with that information, was there? There should have been. This mattered. She should have seen it before. She should have listened months ago. Years ago. Maybe then everything would have been different. But it was too late for that. The past couldn't change. It was fruitless.

*

It wasn't a problem like Rachel feared it would be. Once they got back to their respective lives, Quinn and Rachel shared the same regular calls and emails as they had since moving to the east coast. Thanksgiving was never brought up directly. Quinn never asked her what she planned on doing about her life and marriage. She'd instead ask about NYADA and reiterate how great Rachel's future was going to be. This wasn't new. Quinn had told her all this before in one variation or another, and Rachel had said as much to her in return. There was only one, subtle difference.

Quinn no longer mentioned Finn at all if Rachel didn't bring him up first, which was becoming more and more rare. When they talked it was almost like she could pretend that she wasn't someone's wife at eighteen. She was just like any other college student trying to make her dreams come true in New York. With Quinn, Finn did not have to exist.

It wasn't fair, not in any conceivable way, but it was so very easy. It was so _easy_ to separate them; to separate who she was at home and who she was when she was talking to Quinn.

And Rachel yielded to that.

*

Finn would not be getting a Christmas bonus this year, but he would be getting a small raise and better benefits come January. He was also being sent to a couple of night classes for a month to learn about the advancement of the newest technology in future vehicles. It was the first time Finn was truly excited about something outside of their marriage since Nationals. Kurt was thrilled for him, and Burt was already promising to pick his brain. This was something Finn had accomplished all on his own without any help from her, and she should be proud. _Was_ proud. But she couldn't shake the knowledge that Finn was settling and that wasn't what she wanted for either of them.

It probably didn't help that this was all coming on the heels of the news that after only _recently_ making the move to LA, Santana was already getting cast in local commercials because, apparently, she was still set on being famous. She didn't know how to deal with the idea of Santana becoming a star before she did. Rachel didn't know how to deal with _anything_ and promptly chose not to. Despite exams being right around the corner and her finals portfolio for Music Composition 1 being incomplete, Rachel ran straight to a safe (New) haven. Perhaps it was inconsiderate, but Quinn didn't seem to mind. Probably because Quinn liked her. When Rachel had romantic inclinations for someone, she typically wanted to be around them. Of course, Rachel would also heavily pursue them regardless of the circumstances, and that was where she and Quinn differed. (The irony that Quinn was once one of those circumstances was not lost on her.)

After giving it more thought (to be precise, it had been the only thing on her mind whether she wanted it there or not), Quinn having feelings for her was not entirely unforeseen. Though, it wasn't any less astounding. She wanted to ask how long or how deep they were. She wanted to hear Quinn say it herself. Ideally, she wanted it done in song. Rachel wanted a lot of things. Far too much. _Always too much_. But she had Finn and they would be fine. Better than fine. This raise was a positive sign of things to come.

Hypotheticals were dangerous, and she had been falling into their trap far too often.

"You realize I will actually need to read these notes."

She continued her doodles in Quinn's notebook. "But not the margins."

They sat side by side on the floor, leaning against Quinn's bed. Even with her small stature, Rachel's stretched out legs nearly reached the bed opposite them. The room was not worth the price of admission.

"Rachel, you came here to finish your songs because, and I quote, surely a centuries-old Ivy League campus responsible for so many great minds would spew forth your academia prowess."

"My creative prowess, but yes. However, clearly I was wrong because these are not coming along any more here than they were in New York. Writing songs is difficult when you have everything you want. Contentment isn't exactly a strong selling point."

"It's just assignment. Why don't you use other people's lives and experiences?"

"That might work," she mused and turned to Quinn with her brightest smile. "Can I use yours?"

"No."

She sat back again and pouted. "Why we don't know any interesting people?" This was troubling.

And yes, fine. She _could_ be writing about Quinn's newly acknowledged feelings for her. It's not like Rachel hadn't tried. This was most definitely something in worth of lyrics. Except nothing really rhymed with unrequited, so mostly Rachel usually ended up making a list of some of her past interactions with Quinn and tried to find any possible romantic ulterior motives behind them. So far she was certain of four. "Maybe I'll just write the music now and worry about the lyrics later."

"Finn could probably help you with that." It was the first time Quinn had uttered his name in a while. It threw Rachel to hear it and caused a noticeably delayed–albeit adequate–response.

"True. I have enjoyed his original work. But he'd probably be too tired after work which means we'd have to wait until the weekend except these are due this week. I just don't have the time."

"Well no, actually you kind of have the time right now."

Rachel frowned. "But I'm here."

"Yeah, and you don't need to be," Quinn told her slowly.

Her frown turned to one of concern. "Do you want me to leave?"

"No, of course not. I love when you visit, but I thought maybe you'd like to spend this time with Finn. Maybe talk to him."

"I'm with Finn every day. I barely get to see you. And besides, he gets to see his friends when I come here. It's…balanced."

"Good." Quinn nodded, and if she had _just_ stopped this conversation there, it would have been fine and the Finn-slip forgotten. "But it didn't seem very balanced at Thanksgiving."

"Can we not do this?"

"I think you need to talk with Finn about what was upsetting you."

"I wasn't. There's–there's nothing wrong. I'll admit that I had been drinking and seeing everyone together again brought this wave of nostalgia back from when everything was easy. Because it's _always_ easier to dream than it is to live out. Everything can't be perfect. That's all it was. I promise."

"If you say so. I'm sure Lima does that to a lot of people." Quinn shook it off and returned to her notes. "It's none of my business anyway. I'm sorry I even brought it up." She didn't sound sorry at all, didn't even try to. It was more than a bit belittling.

"Don't. Don't do that, okay? Don't pretend to believe me just because you think it's what I want to hear."

"Then what _do_ you want to hear? Because I just told you what I really thought and you weren't okay with that either. I'm trying to be your friend."

"How about we just don't talk about it? Quinn, I appreciate your support, but it's my life. And I'm happy in it." Quinn's lack of response made it clear that she didn't believe that one either, and Rachel suddenly felt the need to be anywhere but in this overpriced dormitory. "It's still early. Maybe I should go home. _Finn_ might actually be of assistance." She hastily stuffed her own notes in the bag she had brought with her and pulled herself up, fully intent on leaving via the perfect storm out.

Quinn tossed aside her books and stood right up after her. "Would you sit down? There's not a train to New York for an hour."

"You don't know that."

"Please. I always check the schedules when you're here," she told her as if that was the most obvious thing in the world to do. It was all so frustrating. Why must she continue making everything so complicated?

Rachel didn't contemplate the answer and tried instead to prove Quinn's schedule keeping wrong. Her phone seemed to be on the blonde's side. There was, indeed, no train for another seventy minutes. _Damn it._

"Fine. Then I guess I'll be your guest for another hour. I'll try not to disturb your note taking. I understand that my presence is a burden that you'd rather have gone which I have to say puts a damper on the surprise I had planned."

"That's not–when did I _say_ that?" she snapped, but the rest of Rachel's statement caught up with her and her anger cleared. "Wait. Surprise?"

"Yes. I had gotten you something. Both of us, actually. Perhaps with the holidays upon us I was infected with December joy. My plan was to give it to you when we said goodbye at the station, but you can just forget about that now. The right mood is gone."

"What did you get me?"

She folded her arms and held up her chin. "No, I'm no longer inclined."

"If you weren't inclined, you wouldn't have mentioned it."

She scrutinized Rachel from head to toe, looking very much like a former head cheerio. Always ready to thwart an opponent, Rachel threw her bag at the other girl in surprise, already having snuck out what was important. But Quinn had caught the flash of white now hiding behind her back.

"What's in the envelope, Rachel?"

"It's not an envelope."

"I just saw it."

"You're mistaken."

"Really? Prove it. Show me."

"I'm not responsible for you needing your eyes checked. And really, Quinn, eye prescriptions should be regulated as often as you would for medication. They do expire."

Said eyes rolled lazily. "Okay, hand it over."

"No." She dodged as Quinn lunged, laughing as she barely made it around her. "Why is your dorm so small?"

"Is it a card? A little early for Christmas cards, and you'd just mail it anyway," Quinn continued her thought process aloud. "Your birthday's in a couple of days. You _are_ the only person I've ever met who would send out cards for their own birthday."

Rachel laughed again. "Well, now I'm _really_ not going to show you."

Quinn didn't laugh with her, only smirked at their positions. She had Rachel trapped in between herself and the dressers on the far wall. There was something predatory in her stance. Quinn exuded confidence like she knew that she was going to win this and get what she wanted. They hadn't done this dance in a while. It was oddly unfamiliar given the amount of time they used to spend doing it. Lacking a defense left her open for attack, and Quinn was on her in a second.

After fainting left then right and getting nowhere, she backed her up farther and reached around behind her to grab ahold of the envelope. In truth it would have been easy to twist away and maybe even gain the upper hand. However, Rachel put up no fight and stopped moving all together. The absence of action seemed to throw Quinn if her now nervous expression was anything to go by. They shared each other's space, and Rachel silently counted out her breaths.

Quinn was so close. She wondered what it would be like to kiss her. To just lean forward and close that insignificant amount of distance. _Undoubtedly a pleasant experience._ Rachel hadn't kissed anyone other than Finn in years, and now she never would. The thought used to be romantic. But Quinn let go of the envelope and was backing away before she could get herself in anymore trouble.

"Sorry."

Rachel cleared her throat and brought her arm out in front of her. Clutching the paper in her hands seemed like a very wise thing to be doing. "I'm not sure if you're aware, but our Metro North passes expire in a few weeks. I took the liberty of purchasing them for this semester."

"You didn't have to do that."

"Neither did you." She shrugged. "I want us to stay in each other's lives, and I think it's only fair that we both put in the time and money so no one feels indebted. I propose that we take turns for the next three years." Rachel removed the pass and very deliberately held on to a corner. It meant Quinn could only touch the ticket if she so choose.

Quinn's fingers grazed hers as she took the gift. "You're on."

This would all have to be a secret. Rachel had been putting aside her money here and there to buy the tickets. It was dishonest, irresponsible, and more than slightly selfish. She didn't really feel bad.

*

Rachel Berry(-Hudson) closed out her first semester in college by performing for an audience at NYADA's Winter Showcase and winning it. It was a prelude to what she knew was coming down the road, and it was only made better by Kurt receiving his acceptance for the spring semester.

Everyone from New Directions, past and present, sent along their congratulations. Burt and Carole called next to express their pride over their speaker phone. Rachel had no idea how her in-laws were going to pay for NYADA's tuition on top of helping pay their rent, but she was too happy to care. Kurt was going to be at NYADA with her! Together they would be unstoppable for the next three and a half years, and it would all conclude with them breaking into the business. _If McKinley could see them now._

Kurt excused himself to take Blaine's call, and Rachel was forced to face an oddly quiet Finn. He was as dejected as she could ever remember seeing him so she once again tried to talk to him about enrolling into a school of his own. Finn would do wonderfully in college. He wouldn't have the same social pressures to be popular as he did in high school and could take the classes of his choice; ones that he could even excel in. But Finn didn't want to hear any of this and ended the discussion by leaving the apartment.

She had no idea what she kept doing wrong.

*

The distance between them remained throughout winter break. The worst part wasn't that she and Finn no longer cared enough to try and work through it. That hadn't been true in some time. No, the worst part was that they didn't even pretend everything was alright anymore. Kurt had noticed the rift and had talked to them both about it to no avail. Before they could even begin to address it, the holidays were upon them and their parents decided they would come for an early visit. Hiram and Carole wanted to see the loft they were helping to pay for, and Burt and Leroy wanted to see the improvements in person.

Finn had been upset that they weren't going back home again, and Rachel felt it was obvious to all that something was amiss, but the families shared a pleasant early holiday dinner together. Particularly since their parents, preordered catering for the event. After giving gifts and singing seasonal songs, the adults flew back home and the loft reentered into its same old routine. No one was happier for it, and with Finn at work for most of their break, Rachel and Kurt had a lot of time alone together. Kurt proposed that they try and turn this around and bring a little cheer just in time for the year to end. Rachel immediately agreed to his plan, and they waited for they felt was the perfect time before asking Finn.

"That seems kinda, I don't know, excessive." Finn put his cereal bowl in sink and looked over to where his roommates were standing together at their kitchen counter.

"How? It's just one party. Not even that big of one."

"Because I don't work to throw parties, Rachel. My pay check is for, you know, electricity and stuff. Using that for a party…it's not smart."

Rachel sighed. She knew what he paid for, but this wasn't going to bankrupt them. It wouldn't kill Finn to drop his responsibilities for a night. "I know how to manage money, Finn. This fits into our monthly budget." She held up their flat's Budget and Receipts Folder for emphasis.

"I don't really think you do," he muttered.

"What does that mean?" Seriously. Their budget plan–that _she_ wrote alone, mind you– _proved_ she knew what she was doing. How dare he?

"It means you don't have a job. Your bank account just gets an allowance every month from your dads."

"Which I use to buy our food with. And I do the shopping. Do you know how _hard_ it is to grocery shop in this city, Finn? I once had to hit a woman with a baguette just so I could get your specified flavor of Pop-Tarts before they went out of stock."

Kurt crossed the kitchen to get between them. "Okay, okay. Let's stop now before this becomes a contribution contest. We all pull our weight."

"We can't afford a party. Not that _and_ each other's Christmas gifts." Finn cast a glance at his wife. "Sorry, holiday gifts. And buy our normal share of food. Why can't we just go out on New Year's? I'm sure that's even free." He grinned.

Kurt didn't bite, wiping the smile from his brother's face. "Because this is our first year away from home, and we should celebrate that. This apartment is huge given our location. We clean it up a bit, decorate, get the right music…People won't forget that. And I would like to make a good first impression on my fellow NYADA students. I won't get an orientation, not like Rachel had. This party will be a great place to meet people so I don't walk in there blindly."

"Yes, and you can invite your friends too. I'm sure I speak for Kurt when I say how nice it will be to finally meet them," Rachel pitched.

They both watched, hopeful, as Finn began to cave. "I'm not saying it wouldn't be fun, it's just-"

"Finances," Kurt interrupted. "So why not make it a Bring-Your-Own-Everything party? We'll provide cups and napkins and plates and the rest of the goodies, and our guests can bring food and drinks. I'll be sure to stipulate on the invitations."

Finn smiled once more. "Okay, fine. But you guys can rework the budget plan yourselves."

"Deal." Kurt walked back to the counter and pulled out his laptop next to Rachel. "I'll get started on the evites. I plan on pestering Mercedes until she and her ill-fated roommates agree to come. Hopefully, a few of our favorite McKinleyites can make it too. Did you want to call Quinn and just fill her in? It seems impersonal to just send her a standard invitation seeing as how often you two visit."

She and Quinn hadn't really talked since Rachel's last visit. At first it was due to struggling through their finals, but even after they finished them, Rachel was still too nervous to pick up her phone and call. Every hypothetical conversation she planned out between them resulted in her rambling too much and Quinn hanging up after telling her that this entire relationship had been a mistake. But she couldn't very well share any of this with Kurt, and an evite might send the wrong message and then Quinn might not even come.

"No, I'll call her."

"Great. This is going to be so much fun. I feel like hyperventilating." Rachel laughed with him and headed toward her room until Kurt spoke again. "And make sure to tell her that she can bring someone. It's New Years. I'm sure she'll have a date."

Right. Well that wasn't going to happen.

She went into her bedroom for privacy and to check the time. Ignoring all the while that this was not a conversation that required privacy, she was relieved by the fact that Quinn would at least be at work right now. She would get her voicemail and leave a quick message going over the details, and then Quinn would just text back her RSVP later. _Painless_. Like ripping off a band aid. One problem. Quinn picked up on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Quinn? Shouldn't you be at work? You know, just because college offers more freedom and doesn't particularly focus on the individual student doesn't mean it's okay to simply not attend to your duties. I don't even think it's fair when the teachers do that. No one is paying an absurd amount of money to master their future livelihoods via a TA. Of course, maybe that only applies to drunken dance instructors. I'm sure Ivy Leagues are much different."

"I take it you don't like your TA?"

"No, he's…" Handsome. Talented. A catalyst for Finn's jealousy. "Where are you?"

"The library. I'm not ditching. Scout's honor." She was being sarcastic, but Rachel still felt guilty about her impromptu timing.

"I'm interrupting, aren't I? I don't want to get you fired from your job. Let me just call back and leave a message."

"Rachel, relax. I was falling asleep anyway. It's break. No one but some creep who likes to hang out in the anatomy section is here. What's up?"

"Kurt and I, um, and Finn are throwing a New Year's Eve party at the loft. A lot of people from school and work and maybe even home will be there, and we were hoping if it doesn't conflict with your schedule, that you'd like to come too."

"Sure. It sounds fun."

"Great. Okay. It's a BYOEverything because, well, we don't have any money, but there's no pressure to contribute. A-and you can come early if you want. I'm confident that if you decided to take a night train on New Year's that I'd be texting you every five minutes to know that you haven't been kidnapped into some human trafficking ring. It really wouldn't be pleasant."

Quinn chuckled. "No night trains. Got it."

*

No one from McKinley came on New Year's which did not surprise her. She already knew Sam was in Kentucky with his family until the end of break, and truthfully, the only glee clubber Rachel had been expecting was Blaine. However, he and Kurt both thought it would be too awkward. Conversely, Mike was the only graduate who could not make it. He had already made plans to spend the weekend with his parents in Chicago. But their west coast friends were all able to fly out and help make their first BYOE Bash a success.

More people ended up coming from the city than had been anticipated (or invited), and most had all diligently brought something with to the point of leftovers. Rachel had chosen wisely on whom to ask from NYADA, choosing classmates she knew would hit it off with Kurt. So far they seemed to be getting acquainted well enough, and Rachel took enough pride in her taste that she could ignore the fact that several of her classmates were rather liberal in their definitions of _'everything.'_ Not only did they bring party supplies, they had also brought along their own guests.

Finn's work friends did not necessarily mix well with hers, but they were pleasant company. Rachel was happy to finally be able to put faces to the names. She met Keith and Santos, two of the mechanics nearest to Finn's age. Kenny was middle-aged and thus not in attendance, but his son Pete was graduating high school in May and was the closest friend Finn has made. They had plenty in common, and Pete kept repeating all the great things Finn had said to them about her. They all then told her lighthearted stories of Finn's mishaps in hopes of embarrassing him. Rachel joined in the teasing, succeeding in making her husband's cheeks redden.

This should be enough, and there was something very wrong that it wasn't. Especially because this was the happiest Finn had ever been in New York. Rachel basked in that knowledge and the love she's always had for him to try and make this night work. They kissed at midnight, and she laughed as she tugged on his silly party hat. It was easy and romantic until one of her overly dramatic scene partners from Theatre Studies 1 reminded everyone that how you spend New Year's is how you'll spend the next year. She supposed it could have been taken as a compliment on their party, but that was not how she heard it. She needed to get out of here. And more than that, she needed to talk to Quinn.

Rachel waited a good half hour after the countdown for the perfect moment. The party was still going strong, and Quinn was currently tucked away in a corner, gabbing with Mercedes. With a deep breath, Rachel put on her best showface and approached the duo.

"Hello, Mercedes. I feel like I haven't even seen you at all tonight. We need to catch up sometime before you fly back home. But I assume that since you're here and wearing such bright and pleasing colors that Los Angeles is still working out well for you? That's absolutely wonderful. Kurt was just looking for you, it seemed important. Drastic, really."

"Nice to see you too, Rachel," Mercedes grunted and glanced over at Quinn. "Later."

Rachel watched their friend walk over to Kurt's vicinity before turning back around. "Are you having a good time, Quinn?"

"Yeah, it's surprisingly nice seeing everyone."

"Uh-huh. Do you want to maybe take a walk with me? I could use the air. Playing hostess to a crowd this size is not what I'm accustomed to. Though, I feel like I've done a sufficient enough job."

"Let me get my coat." She chuckled and set down her cup. Rachel simply glowered.

Will she ever again have a significant exchange without those overly common cups being present? They weren't even environmentally friendly. Why did she even buy them? _What is it with these cups?_

She _may_ have been having a minor panic attack. And she may have lost it completely when Quinn brought back not only her own coat but Rachel's as well. She pulled her hair out of her collar as Quinn helped put it on and tried desperately to get her heart rate under control. This was going to happen.

This was going to happen right now.

They tossed quick goodbyes over their shoulders to Kurt and Mercedes in the kitchen, telling them that they'd be right back. The old pair of friends was too engrossed with something Santana was drinking to respond with anything more than a glance and wave. The girls made their way downstairs where the music was drowned out by the neighbors' mutual gatherings.

"So are you going to tell me where we're going or is it meant to be a surprise?" Quinn asked. She was joking. It would be easy to banter back. They did that now, sometimes, but Rachel gave no response; only stopped them before they reached the exit. "Rachel?" Quinn looked back.

She quickly shook off the concern. "I'm fine."

"You sure? We don't have to," Quinn trailed off and gestured back to the main door until she was being pulled down a dark, empty corridor that led somewhere near the building's furnace.

"I'm sure." She was uncertain which one of them she was assuring or what she was even referring to. Rachel just knew that she wanted this.

She stopped them again at the end of the bricked hallway and tugged the other girl closer. Quinn got one of those adorably confused frowns on her face that really had no right being attractive, and that was the final straw.

"Wait-"

Rachel did what she did best in their relationship and chose not to listen. Quinn responded to the kiss automatically but only for a moment, and then she was pushing the shorter girl away. Quinn took a few shaky paces back and held a hand up to her mouth, looking thoroughly disconcerted.

"I'm just going to assume that you've been drinking, and then we'll never ever talk about this again." The hand that was just on her mouth punctuated out each word, making her warning clear. But Rachel was long past the point of warnings and did not flinch. She merely stared until Quinn was close to panicking herself. "Please come back upstairs. You need go back upstairs."

"I don't want to be upstairs." It was quite possibly the most honest thing she had said in a year.

Quinn sighed as she moved to lean against the wall, careful to only place one hand on it. The resistance was deliberate but flimsy, and it motivated Rachel enough to keep moving forward. She tucked herself snuggly between her friend and the wall, allowing her lips to brush Quinn's throat. She was so grateful Quinn didn't put on her scarf.

"Rachel." It was now a sad excuse for a warning, and Rachel had no qualms about softly nipping at the smooth flesh in front of her. She felt the whimper and barely had time to register Quinn shoving her away far more harshly than she did moments ago.

Rachel caught her footing and watched as Quinn collapsed flatly against the bricks. Watched her chest rise and fall, her eyes blink open and closed. The desire that flashed in them was palpable, and the aching look that chased it away was _so_ familiar and so _Quinn_ that Rachel almost wanted to call the whole thing off to cry whilst writing an MVP worthy ballad. God, she owed Santana a batch of apology cookies. Quinn Fabray was so in love with her. She had no idea what she did to earn such a precious keepsake.

Reaching out tentatively, she brushed back wispy, blonde bangs. Quinn evened out her breathing and lifting a hand of her own, cupped Rachel's neck as she pushed back off the wall. Her kiss was bruising and ravenous, and Rachel felt wanted enough that she forgot everything else.


	2. part two

She had no idea what Rachel's angle was. It was hardly the first time she couldn't figure out the other girl's motivations; definitely would not be the last.

Quinn had had plans yesterday. She wasn't scheduled to work, and after finishing class for the day, she had intended to meet with a study group she had been invited to once or twice. The guy who ran it was a sophomore who paid her too many compliments for his interest and attraction not to be made known. She was supposed to go out with him before but instead had blown him off for Rachel's party. She felt bad. He was nice and harmless and referenced things she had never heard of. He reminded her of Sam in a lot of ways. Only he was smarter and actually read books that weren't comics. She genuinely enjoyed talking to him which was a rarity for her when it came to boys, and he definitely had potential. But having Rachel Berry in her bed rather outshined all of that.

The brunette had arrived unannounced the previous afternoon. Quinn went back to her dorm to get what she needed before heading back out, and that's where she found Rachel sitting outside her door with nothing but the dance attire she had on and her coat. They didn't talk much. Quinn only asked her if everything was okay. It was decidedly a dumb question. Obviously, everything hadn't been okay for Rachel since _at_ _least_ summer, but Quinn wasn't supposed to talk about that either so after sending a regretful text to her study group, she gave the girl a change of clothes and went out to get them dinner. They had then gone to sleep without any explanations. Well, Rachel had gone to sleep. Quinn barely slept at all.

They hadn't spoken to each other in three weeks. Not since New Year's.

For all intents and purposes, it was a wonderful night. Quinn was happy for Kurt, and she loved hearing that Puck was doing so well. Mercedes's complaints about rooming with Santana had made her laugh, mostly because Santana mirrored them almost identically. Rachel's classmates were as eclectic as expected, but they held interest in her pursuit of Drama at Yale. And then, of course, there was Rachel herself. She seemed happy that night, even before the party began. Quinn was so used to seeing smiles that didn't quite reach her eyes now, but they were genuine on New Year's. She briefly even entertained the idea that maybe Finn and Rachel had finally found a way to make it work. But then Rachel was pulling her away from everyone to kiss her and the notion was gone.

There wasn't much that she would have expected less. That alone should have been enough to keep her from making one of her bigger mistakes. Since her turnaround last year, Quinn had done a fairly good job of not putting herself into situations that would leave her getting burned. More or less. There was the accident, but she had come out on top of that. And prom had been more of a minor run off course that righted itself almost immediately. Her life was finally on track. But Rachel had kissed her. Purposefully. And Quinn couldn't resist.

She had pulled Rachel to her roughly enough that it felt like they were the same height. It left them unbalanced and stumbling until Rachel collided with the wall behind her. It had been about staying in control. That had been most important. Quinn remembered thinking very clearly that if she just stood her ground and didn't allow herself to get backed into a corner (perhaps literally), then she'd still have sway. It hadn't mattered. Rachel already had the upper hand. She broke the kiss and moved on to Quinn's throat. She bit and sucked and pressed while Quinn tried to focus on anything other than Rachel Berry's mouth before they had finally stopped.

Neither came to their senses. They just happened to be interrupted. A group of party guests were heading out, and the distraction was loud enough that they broke apart and regained some perspective. Quinn went back to the party without a word, no longer caring if Rachel went back upstairs or not. It was twenty minutes before they saw each other again which was impressive seeing as there weren't that many spots to hide and people kept leaving to go home. Eventually, only those who attended McKinley High were left, and they still managed to avoid each other. Thankfully, Mercedes, Santana, and Puck were all set to sleep over as well. It was easy to use them as a barrier. Just like it was easy to duck out and leave with them in the morning.

Quinn could just go back to Yale and stay there until enough time passed that it was all just a distant memory. Then maybe in, like, a year they could mention it and share a self-deprecating laugh over the fact that nothing good ever comes from them drinking.

"Good morning."

Easier said than done. Trains ran in two directions which left Rachel stirring awake beside her. Quinn had tried to keep a decent amount of space between them and made sure they weren't touching, but her bed was small and it was difficult. Just two inches separated their hands where they rested on the mattress. It would be too easy to just reach out.

"Morning."

"Where's your roommate?"

Quinn followed her line of sight to the empty bed opposite hers. With a quick glance to the clock on their wall, she had her answer. "She prefers morning classes."

"Oh. Well, what time will she get back?"

"I'm not sure."

Quinn and her roommate weren't exactly friends. They didn't dislike each other. They just never happened to click. She got along much more effortlessly with a girl down the hall who had a similar dilemma. They've already discussed trying to swap and room together next year.

Lost in thoughts of upgrading from a freshman dorm, she realized she had just missed what Rachel said. "I'm sorry, what?"

Rachel smiled lightly at her. She was way too close. "I said if the commute wasn't so long I'd probably prefer morning classes myself." She frowned over a thought. "Of course, then they'd also cut into my workout."

"Why are you here?" It was harsher than intended, and she quickly needed to amend her question. "I just…It's not a weekend. And speaking of classes, you're missing them."

"A day or two of missing class will hardly affect my overall grade." The way it was delivered made Quinn think she had practiced saying it before leaving New York. She wasn't buying it, and after a moment, Rachel relented with a quiet truth. "I didn't know where else to go."

"Why did you need to go anywhere in the first place?"

There was no answer to that. She wished Rachel would just talk to her. _Then again maybe not_. Quinn couldn't think of a quicker way to end their friendship than her sharing her honest opinion on Finn and their marriage. She had a hard enough time being nice about it on Thanksgiving.

"I left a note. I didn't even tell anyone I was coming here," Rachel confessed softly. "He won't understand that."

She couldn't blame him. _Quinn_ didn't understand that. "How much longer is this going to be going on? You really need to talk to him."

"Please don't. I don't want to do this now. You and I never discuss Finn."

"That doesn't work anymore. Not when you are _literally_ dragging me into this via dark hallways."

There. It was out there in the open now, no longer avoidable.

Rachel worried her lip. "I shouldn't have done that. It was foolish. I'm sorry about the position I put you in."

"I've been in worse positions," she sighed, looking away to stare at her ceiling. Her ceiling was safe.

"Quinn," Rachel regained her attention before needlessly pointing out that, "You kissed me back."

_Equally foolish._

Quinn closed her eyes against the memories but not the shame. "Why are you here, Rachel?"

"I can't go three weeks without talking to you. I value you and our conversations too much. You've been ignoring me. And I understand why but please don't do it again. These last couple of days has been awful."

Quinn tried to pay no mind to the double meaning any of those words had. Rachel had a tendency in their friendship to carelessly cross lines and send out signals that were inadvertent. It had, on occasion, been more than confusing. Now it was something else entirely.

She was aware of fingers grasping at her until her palm was turned over and Rachel held her hand. She momentarily glanced down to the mislaid distance that had never really been distance to begin with. "We kissed."

"I know."

Her resolve gave out, and Quinn reached forward with her free hand to trace over the soft skin of Rachel's neck. She felt rather than heard the hitch in her breathing. "I don't know what to do with that."

"Me either. But it's all I've thought about." It was impossible to miss the way Rachel's eyes flickered downward.

Quinn turned fully on her side, trailing her hand higher. She ran her thumb along the curve of Rachel's jaw and inched impossibly closer, still looking up to make sure that this was all okay. It would be too embarrassing to come back from if it wasn't. Rachel put an end to her doubts and covered Quinn's mouth with her own. She let go of her hand to shift closer, pulling at the back of Quinn's collar. Rachel bit down gently and continued pushing forward until Quinn was lying on her back again.

_Far_ _worse_ _positions_.

There was symmetry here that was anything but virtuous, yet Quinn still took a strange comfort in it. She had come full circle, and maybe that meant this happening wasn't as random as it seemed.

Except it would still burn her in the end. Of that she was sure.

She had cheated on Finn. She had cheated with Finn. Now she was helping his wife cheat. The first time resulted in an unplanned pregnancy and getting thrown out of her house. The second time she got mono. And the first and _only_ time Quinn had ever acknowledged and _accepted_ that her feelings for Rachel Berry may run deeper than mere friendship had left her broken in a hospital bed after being hit by a truck.

This time would probably, actually kill her.

*

Communication didn't exactly open back up. Rachel was being less than forthcoming about what was going on in New York. They had gotten into the habit of only talking about school. Sometimes Kurt would come up. Finn was never brought up. Now they talked about nothing. It was concerning. Rachel really needed to fix things with Finn or do what she should have done ages ago and end things completely. Even if she loved him, this wasn't good for her or the career she was starting. And, well, from a self-serving standpoint Quinn just really wanted Rachel's old line of communication back rather than what was going on now. Rachel had done nothing but spend the last couple of weeks "sexting" her. Her version of it anyway.

Quinn had never gotten the appeal of sexting. Having to read through grammatical errors about how a guy was hard was not attractive. It was more annoying than anything. However, she apparently had a better grasp on sexy texting than Rachel did. Rachel's sexts–if you could even call them that–were facts and statistics. In perfectly structured sentences, she would text Quinn information such as how studies showed lesbians were more satisfied sexually and achieved more orgasms than their female heterosexual counterparts. She'd also add a source link. They were odd and _very_ Rachel, but they succeeded in doing what they were supposed to do. Quinn could not stop thinking about having sex with her.

While more than curious, she wasn't even sure how that would work and had no desire to read about Rachel's inquiry into the matter. The texts were eventually upped to emails due to the character counts. Paraphrased articles from something called ' _autostraddle'_ were sent that Quinn never opened because that alone sounded too much like pornography. She already had too many thoughts circling around in her mind for that. She didn't even like to check her email anymore, and every time her phone buzzed she was too anxious to see who it was let alone answer it. The few times Rachel did call, Quinn had no idea what to expect. What if she actually wanted to discuss her findings over the phone?

Quinn was only grateful that this time the call came while she was in her room. "Hello?"

"Hi."

For a while Rachel didn't say anything more than that, and the silence was too much. "Was there a specific reason why you called?"

"I um, I wanted to make sure you were coming to Mr. Schuester's wedding. We just got our invitations today. I think everyone will probably be going, and it won't be the same if you're not there too."

"I haven't actually gotten mine yet. When is it?"

"Valentine's weekend."

She snorted. "That's short notice."

"But it's romantic. So will you come?"

"Do you want me to?" Quinn husked. It wasn't fair. She should not be encouraging this.

"Yes I–I need to see you, Quinn. I can't stop thinking about you."

"Rachel…You can't say things like that."

"I know. But it's true," she continued shamelessly. "I think about how sometimes you try really hard not to smile even though it's clear that's exactly what you want to do. I think about how I've never seen you happier than you are right now at Yale. And I'm so afraid that I'm going to ruin that for you, but I can't help it, Quinn, because I love that you listen to me and how strong you are and the way you hold my hand. I love the way you look at me. Did you know that no one looks at me the way you do?"

"Rachel," she warned but went ignored.

"That no one kisses me the way you do. Quinn, I want…I want to feel that again. I want-"

"Rachel, you need to stop." She pulled the phone away from her for a moment. "Please stop."

"Just come to the wedding, okay? Promise me you'll be there."

"I will be."

They weren't playing with fire. They were right in the middle of it. It wasn't presumptuous. As soon as they saw each other, this was going to happen, and they both knew it. They both wanted it.

It would _not_ end well.

*

The wedding was held at a church Quinn had never frequented, and the reception was set and waiting in a local hotel's party room. It wasn't that big of a guest list. New Directions were the only students there. Mostly, family had come. There were some friends from Mr. Schuester and Miss Pillsbury's college days. A couple of colleagues showed up and April Rhodes. Quinn tried to avoid Principal Figgins and politely talked up Yale to Coach Beiste. Sue Sylvester was also in attendance, and for some reason, she was presiding over the ceremony. But Quinn loved seeing her old coach, especially when she managed to receive a compliment from the woman. Even if Quinn didn't _really_ think her shoe choice made her ankles look thinner.

The vows were said and the rings were exchanged and everyone threw flower petals at the couple as rice would have been too messy for the bride. A few guests who had skipped the ceremony still came to the reception and placed their gifts on the table set out. Toasts were made, and Emma threw her bouquet. The throw was off and didn't land near those who had lined up. Rachel caught it by surprise and looked pleased with herself until Santana was ripping it away; reminding everyone that she was already married. Then it was just awkward. No one really wanted to acknowledge that two of the groom's students got married before he did when both relationships roughly started around the same time.

Husband and wife had prepared a duet for the day. They sang a cheesy version of "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to each other, complete with a string arrangement. It was sweet and better than Mr. Schue rapping something. Then it was glee's turn. Their instructor had called his graduates and wrote on his whiteboard for his students the assignment of the week. Mr. Schuester wanted no gifts and only asked that his club perform some of their love songs over the years at his wedding. He missed their voices, and everyone happily complied.

The current New Directions performed first in tribute to their teachers, singing "Time of My Life." Sam had called Quinn a couple of days ago asking if she wanted to sing it with him, but she had declined. In her place was Brittany because the two of them were now dating or they had been dating or were friends who were fooling around or something. Quinn never bothered to ask, only receiving indignant details throughout Santana's emails every now and again. The performance was…nice and it succeeded in its purpose by bringing back fond memories, but she really had no idea how New Directions won Sectionals this year. She doubted they would get past Regionals.

Tina and Mike had broken up officially about two months ago. And while they were two of the less dramatic members in glee, their duet of "L-O-V-E" was still about as awkward as expected. It was the exact reason why Quinn had turned down Sam and Joe and chose a much safer route by singing "Take My Breath Away" with Santana again. Mercedes seemed to have the same idea and got Rachel to redo "Take Me or Leave Me" with her. She kind of forgot how heated that performance was the first time. They had always been glee's two best singers and they each looked gorgeous and completely in their element, but Quinn only had eyes for one of them. It was okay, though. When she was trying desperately not to look at Rachel, she noticed Puck was paying enough attention to Mercedes for the both of them.

Sugar Motta still lived everywhere but on planet Earth and sang "I Will Always Love You." It insulted Mercedes personally, along with everyone else who had working ears, but Sugar was aware of none of this as she skipped over to retake her seat on Artie's lap. Puck thankfully strapped on one of the band's guitars and brought the right mood back by getting everyone involved in "Sweet Caroline." He hung onto his guitar when he was finished and made an announcement that he had a special performance for Miss Pillsbury. Then he quickly corrected himself and called her Mrs. Schuester. The slipup was obviously intentional and his ashamed expression afterward was obviously insincere and the whole thing was so familiar and his face just looked _so_ stupid that Quinn felt _home_. She was perfectly amused until Puck was dragging her and an equally surprised Rachel on stage to sing "Afternoon Delight."

When the reception hit a bit of a lag, Artie and Mike danced through "P.Y.T." and grabbed Tina and Brittany along the way. The girls stayed out there when it was over and pulled a horrified Kurt forward to lead them in "Single Ladies." Kurt improvised and reiterated that Mr. Schue had, in fact, put a ring on it. Not wanting to suffer alone, Kurt also made Finn, Puck, and Mike join him as he knew they still remembered all the steps. Quinn found the whole thing to be just as embarrassing and charming as she had the first time.

Kurt had been reluctant to sing what he had actually agreed to, but finally, he invited a very patient Blaine up to join him in "Silly Love Songs." They sang at their microphones and never got within three feet of one another. Every time Blaine looked at Kurt, his ex looked away back to the dance floor. Brittany and Santana were just the opposite. Toward the end of the afternoon, the two had disappeared for some time together before returning again on stage. When they sang "Songbird," they were only looking at each other. In theory, this should have been a great lead in to the final performance of the night.

Rachel and Finn had gone through their repertoire of duets before settling on "Faithfully." Mr. Schue began to cry at the opening notes, and Finn had his intense performing face on but mostly he looked content to just be up there. He looked in love, but Rachel looked terrified. And Quinn knew they were both in a lot of trouble when Rachel's eyes immediately found hers once it was over. She should leave now. The reception was dying down. It was getting late. Her excuse to leave was right in her lap. Any well-adjusted person would take it and go home.

Except when had either of them _ever_ been known to be well-adjusted?

*

When the reception ended and the bride and groom were whisked away in their _'Just Married'_ car, everyone who had stayed filed back into the hotel's lobby. Plans were being made on what was going to happen afterwards, and Quinn tried not to think about what could possibly occur later with Rachel.

"What the hell is going on with you and Hudson?"

Quinn frowned at her approaching friend. "I've barely spoken to Finn."

"No, the other one. You know, a little shorter. Somehow more obnoxious. Has boobs. Correction. Has nicer boobs." Santana smirked. "Just thought I'd remind you that _Berry?_ Yeah, not a Berry anymore. She's married, Q. Stupidly, but still married."

"I'm aware." She seemed to remember Santana singing a different tune several months ago. One that resulted in bitchy arguments between them and secrets being revealed that were supposed to stay hidden. Of course, she never said to start cheating with Rachel either. No, that had been Quinn's doing alone.

"I hope you know what you're getting into."

"I'm not getting into anything. There's nothing to get into." Lies. All lies. "How's Brittany?"

"Well, she's no longer having her face swallowed by Spam's double-wide saliva trap so it could be worse."

That answered that question. She was going to ask about LA. Santana seemed a lot happier there than she had in Kentucky which came as a surprise to no one. She wanted to know if their apartment situation had changed, but they were being interrupted before she could find out. A separate married couple, who were not the focal point today, was entering the lobby amidst a dispute.

"Would you just slow down?" Finn grabbed on to Rachel's hand, stopping her and turning her back around.

"Finn, I don't want to talk about this." She untangled herself.

"What else is new?"

"Excuse me?"

"Look, how was I supposed to know that you wanted all of this?" He gestured around them to the dying wedding.

"That's not what I said!"

"It's definitely what you _didn't_ say. We couldn't have afforded all this. We had to move at the end of summer. It was smarter to save the money for the apartment."

"That's kind of the point. We just… _rushed_ right into this."

Finn took a step back. "What are you trying to say?"

Kurt hurried over to his roommates before it got any uglier. "Hey. This isn't the time or the place."

Rachel calmed somewhat and Finn with her. "You should go home, Finn."

"Fine, I'll go get the car."

"I'm not coming." Everyone was watching them now. "And I think you should go home to your house tonight."

"This is ridiculous. I don't even know what we're fighting about." He sounded exasperated, and it was a wonder how often they did this. "Just–just come home, Rachel. If you want to stay with my parents, then we'll stay there. It's fine."

"The girls were talking about going out after the reception. I'd like to go."

"Then you should." He shrugged lightly. "Go catch up. Have some fun. I'll come pick you up later."

"That's senseless. It'll be late. I'll just go home to my dads'."

"God, why don't you just want to be together?" Finn complained. "This isn't New York. We don't have anything to do. We don't have anything to worry about. It's Valentine's weekend. Mr. Schue just got married. We're all dressed up. We _sang_ together. And for real. We haven't done that since glee club." He grinned. "I mean, it's romantic, right? You used to love this stuff."

"And I still do. But I'm with you every day."

His smile dropped. "That's such crap. No, you're not. You barely talk to me anymore." He watched Rachel look around nervously to their friends. "What? You think people don't know?"

"Maybe it would help if you ever wanted to talk about what I wanted to talk about."

"Again with the raised voices. You're at a wedding." Kurt sighed and focused on his stepbrother. "Finn, why don't you and I just go home? I'm sure our parents would appreciate the visit. Sam?" He turned to find the boy. "Ready to go?"

Poor Sam looked utterly unsure. "Uhh, yeah, sounds good."

Rachel glanced back to her husband. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"I'll see you later," he countered.

Finn left with his housemates for the night which meant the rest of glee could only stare at Rachel. She didn't seem to want the attention and sent a glare out to Blaine and Artie who had been nearest to her. Her breathing indicated that she was bordering on being furious. She suddenly spun on her heel and strutted over to Quinn, grabbing her by the arm. "Let's go."

*

They didn't go far, and they didn't say much. They sat in a dim booth in the hotel's bar and restaurant and waited until they figured their friends would all be gone. Not many patrons were there with them, and a repeat of _Sue's Corner_ played on the corner television. Rachel's purse sat on the table in front of them, and her phone continued to ring every couple of minutes inside of it. One guess as to who was calling. She really wished they weren't underage.

"I don't think they're going to serve us."

"I don't want a drink."

That was unfortunate. Quinn could use a drink. "I should take you home."

"I don't want to go home."

"Obviously." It was the most she'd allow herself to say on the matter.

"I want to be with you." Rachel reached over to grab Quinn's hand in a reassuring gesture, but it just felt false. "And I know that you want to be with me so-"

"You don't, actually." She pulled her hand back. "You have no idea what I want. And honestly, you don't care what I want."

"That's not true," Rachel immediately argued, but it was meek.

"You just had a fight with Finn. You're upset. I don't-" Quinn cut herself off with sigh. She was not here to divulge. But if they did this tonight, she didn't want it to be about Finn. It was already all in reaction to Finn; maybe it always had been. "We shouldn't be here."

"I know that."

"Then why are you doing this?" she snapped. She couldn't help it. Though, she wished she had after seeing Rachel's face drop.

Rachel stared down at their table for a while before drawing out small circles on the surface and offering an explanation. "Sometimes when I get home from class, Kurt's already gone to Vogue and Finn's always at work. It's the only time I'm ever really alone anymore. And I'll sit there, and I think about everything that would be different if I wasn't married. It's wrong, I know it is, but it's–it's fun." She shrugged helplessly and continued.

"You know, Kurt and I, we wouldn't have to worry as much about the rent and bills because we'd still both be dependents. Or I may not even be in Brooklyn. There would have been no reason for me to have an apartment. I would've signed up for a dorm. And my roommate, god, we wouldn't get along. At all." She laughed as if she was telling a true story. "We'd have vastly different backgrounds because some guy from admissions was in a bad mood the day he assigned us together. She'd always kick me out to have sex with her biker boyfriend, and I'd always ask her to go when I had to do my daily vocal warm ups. But despite all that, whenever we needed rescuing from a neighboring frat party we'd call each other first. There wouldn't need to be any explanations." Her smile waned. "A-and NYADA would have won the Sing Off because I would've been there. It would have been the freshmen to steal the win, and I would have impressed all the upperclassmen. Then I would have causally dated Brody Weston for a while before breaking it off, but we'd remain friends."

"Who's Brody Weston?"

"I'd make a lot of friendships. They couldn't ever compare to the ones from glee because we wouldn't have those same life-changing experiences together, but they'd be there. And I'd actually have things in common with them. And we'd save everyone's contacts because in a few years when we start getting work, we'll call the ones who have already made it and have job connections waiting for us." That was silly. Rachel wouldn't need to make calls. She'd be the one waiting for them, but Rachel looked back up at her before she had a chance to say any of that. "And this–Quinn, you and I…This would still be happening. Only I would have known sooner. So maybe it would have already happened."

Something within Quinn broke at that. "Rachel."

"I keep missing out on all these wonderful things. New York was never supposed to be like this, and I can't keep doing it. _I can't_." Her tone was _pleading_ , and the crack in Quinn fractured further. "I trust you. So if I can just have one of them come true-"

"You can have all of them," she snapped again and calmed herself down. "Fine. Maybe not the roommate thing but the rest of it. Rachel, there's nothing stopping you from having that life if that's the one you want."

"You don't understand. You're not married. Being someone's wife, it's not like dating. It's about making compromises for each other. Being there with each other through everything. Because you can't just breakup. Nothing's simple anymore. It's never just about you."

That sounded awful. In fact, everything Quinn knew about marriage sounded awful. But Quinn kept that to herself. Quinn bit her tongue over the fact that Rachel had been making sacrifices for Finn's insecurities and shortcomings long before they said _'I do.'_ Quinn refused to say _anything_ that had to do with Rachel's reality. It was depressing, and no one needed anymore reminders of that.

Quinn leaned over to kiss her. Partly because no one was here. Mainly because that was all she thought about since getting of the plane. "Tonight's about you."

Rachel stroked her hair steadily and moved in again. It could have been just as brief, but she took Quinn's lower lip between hers and sucked languidly. The hand cupping her face slid higher to the back of her head. Quinn inhaled sharply, and Rachel drew back again.

"Is your mom home?" She got an affirmative sound against her cheek. "Do you think she'd mind if I stayed the night?"

Doubtful. Judy never bothered with discipline since Beth out of her own guilt, but Quinn would rather not be there. "What about your dads?"

"Home, but they go to bed early. We could stay downstairs or in the basem-"

Quinn cut her off with another kiss because _no._ "This is stupid. We're in a hotel."

Rachel giggled against her lips. "Quinn, we can't get a room."

"Why not?" She started to pull them up out of the booth. "I happen to have all this extra cash lying around that I was going to spend on train tickets, but _someone_ beat me to it."

"I'm not letting you pay for a hotel room." Rachel stopped them again.

"Rachel, it's just money. It's easily replaced." Tonight she would not get back if she missed it.

The desk clerk took entirely too long of a time to get them their key and still asked them if they wanted a bellhop despite them having no bags. They did eventually get in the elevator and up to their room. Rachel removed her shoes first and threw her purse on a chair before Quinn followed suit.

The room wasn't impressive or at all grand. It was basically what you expected from a hotel room in Lima, Ohio. Functioning and nothing more. The chill was noticeable, and the décor was beige. There was a television, a window without a view, and a small vase of flowers near the bathroom. _And a bed._ There was one of those too. Queen-sized and the only reason they were here. She was suddenly nervous. Nervous enough that Quinn stayed where she was by the door and avoided getting any closer to the mattress. She caught sight of the mini fridge in the corner and was about to make an offer or at least use it as a distraction. Rachel had other ideas.

She crossed the floor while looking determined as ever, eating away at Quinn's nerves until there wasn't even a hint of them. Rachel wanted this just as much as she did. Arms snaked around her neck, wet mouth opening against her lips. She curled her tongue around Rachel's and sighed at this feeling. It demanded recognition, had for a while, and she tried desperately not to come completely undone. It helped that Rachel's phone was once again ringing in her purse.

Quinn groaned and pulled away. The tune of "Don't Stop Believing" had no place here. "Either answer that or shut it off."

"What do I say?"

"Tell him you're staying with me."

"What if he goes to your house?"

"He won't. Finn's afraid of my mother."

The information was appeasing enough and with a deep breath, Rachel picked up the call. Quinn took the opportunity to brush Rachel's hair over her shoulder. She teased at her neck and reveled at the whine in Rachel's voice as she explained that she'd be spending the night at the Fabrays'. Apparently, that wasn't the end of the discussion, but Rachel didn't appear to be listening anyway. Instead, with her eyes clenched shut, she tilted her head back to give better access before finally saying goodnight.

"That was rude." Rachel gave a tug on her wrist.

"Sorry." She wasn't, at all, and only just managed to hide her smirk.

Rachel tossed her phone somewhere behind her without a care and turned her head to meet Quinn's. Her kiss was frenzied as she yanked at Quinn's blazer. Dexterous hands snaked up under the collar as she pushed it off her shoulders and to the floor. Her dress was the next to go as it was unzipped a pulled over her head. Rachel reached forward to smooth out her now disarrayed hair. Quinn stood openly, keeping her arms at her sides. She resisted the urge to cover herself. She was an adult now. This shouldn't deter her.

Eyes ghosted over every inch of her as Rachel couldn't seem to decide what she wanted to focus on. "Prettiest girl," she mumbled.

Rachel's feather-light touches followed everywhere where her eyes had been, stopping only on her left side. She traced over the elevated, discolored scar tissue. Her eyebrows knitted together in concern or maybe remorse, but Quinn wasn't going to accept either of them right now.

She knocked Rachel's hand away. "Stop it."

Quinn used the surprise to her advantage and tightly grabbed at Rachel's hips. She pushed back and drove them into the nearest dresser or cabinet or whatever it was. Something on top of it shook and fell with the force as Rachel gasped into her mouth. Quinn could feel Rachel's muscles working under her palms, the thin material of her dress hiding little. She was overdressed, and Quinn searched until she found a zipper to pull. That's as far as she got before the other girl was taking control again.

Rachel backed them up to the bed until Quinn lost her footing and was sitting on it. She bent down to kiss her as she straddled her hips. Quinn got back to the task at hand and finished working on the zipper, pulling the other girl's dress down until it pooled at her waist. The skirt rode up her legs as she sat down more firmly. _Not much of a skirt._ The dress that had been chosen to be worn tonight was torturous and more of a long shirt than anything. Rachel leaned her forehead against hers as Quinn removed her bra next.

She was hot to the touch, almost like she was feverish as Quinn gently cupped her breasts. The brunette's breathing was uneven every time she brushed a thumb over her nipple, rolled it and squeezed. Rachel shifted until she was now straddling just one of her legs. Quinn could feel the damp heat that matched hers and was vaguely aware of hands reaching behind her to unclasp her own bra, but she was too distracted by Rachel's movements to notice it coming off. The smaller girl had begun to grind down on her thigh, lips grazing the shell of her ear each time.

"Tell me."

Quinn barely heard her. "You're beautiful."

"Really?" She pulled back to check.

"Yes."

The blush on Rachel was out of place considering what they were doing, and her smile was big before reining it in. "That's not what I was asking, though."

"I know." But she wasn't going to give that away. Quinn needed to maintain some type of shield here. She quickly kissed her again to distract from that fact.

And anyway, she didn't know what her feelings for Rachel were exactly. Not entirely. It wasn't like she had much to compare them to.

She had loved Finn once, even if a large percentage of their relationship had been about nothing but their reputations. Thought she loved Sam because of his dorky impressions and complete lack of judgment. Maybe she could have if she didn't screw it up. And then there was Puck. But every time she felt something for him it was always because of Beth. It had never really been about him at all.

Rachel was constant. Always on the peripheral if not already front and center. And somehow she became the only person to really see Quinn. It wasn't extraordinary that for a while Rachel became the only thing she saw. Or heard. Or thought about. Everything was different with her. And it _all_ paled in comparison to having a very aroused Rachel Berry in her lap. Quinn took a great pride in that knowledge. What was the adage? It was as easy to turn a guy on as it was to get them off, but women were just the opposite.

Actually, no, that wasn't an adage. She's pretty sure that was just something Holly Holiday tried to tell her once. _Moron_.

She canted up her hips, creating enough space to tug at Rachel's remaining clothes. "Off."

Rachel returned the favor before swiftly reclaiming her seat. There were no barriers now as they had the full feel of each other. Quinn hissed at the sensation and the blunt nails that dug into her back as Rachel painfully grabbed her shoulders for leverage. Her rhythm increased easily as she slid up and down.

Quinn had never been fully undressed with someone before. Not outside of a cheerios' locker room anyway. And even then there were shower stalls and towels. The time with Puck was short and slightly uncomfortable and her uniform top was unzipped but had stayed on. Likewise, his pants had barely left him. She didn't even have to do much beyond lay there and then pray after he left. A lot of good that did her. It was nothing like this. And it occurred to her that between the two of them, Rachel was much more experienced. She had presumably done this many times being married and all.

Her face must have shown something to be wrong because Rachel picked up on it almost immediately. "What is it? Talk to me."

She shook her head. "Nothing. I just always assumed that if this were to happen, I'd be a little more experienced by now."

The words caused Rachel to halt in her progress. She would not have said anything if this was going to be the result.

"You've thought about this?"

"Not on purpose."

Rachel's stare was wide and open as if it was some sort of declaration even though it obviously wasn't. She kissed her hungrily, and when she pulled away, her eyes were a shade darker and frantic as they took in Quinn's features. "I want you."

Quinn almost laughed. Rachel already had her; to a pathetic degree.

She drew a hand up Rachel's inner thigh, fingers teasing at her entrance. She was so wet and saw the effect it was obviously having on her, but it didn't last. Rachel pushed away her hand and shoved her by the shoulders until she was lying down. Quinn frowned up at her, searching for an explanation.

"I want you," she repeated.

She slowly kissed away the confusion from mouth to jaw to throat. Rachel trailed down her chest and torso. She continued her exploration until she got back to where she wanted to be; until she got to the last remaining evidence of the accident. Her lips were soft, but Quinn still shifted uncomfortably. Rachel stopped and glanced back up at her. She looked troubled enough that Quinn sat up to lean on her elbows.

"I knew something was wrong," Rachel began quietly. "I can't explain it. Even before Mr. Schuester got the call, I knew something happened. You were supposed to be there." She whispered, but it was broken. They had never talked about this.

"Rachel."

"Everyone kept saying that you changed your mind, but I knew you wouldn't do that to me. Not after we talked. Sometimes-" She swallowed before continuing. "Sometimes I think your approval of my engagement meant more to me than the actual wedding. You have no idea how much I needed you there."

Quinn didn't know what that meant. Not when Rachel had still eventually gotten married anyway.

"Finn and I have only done this a couple of times. And only once did we actually achieve anything." She caressed over Quinn's hip. "But I feel like I've done enough research to remedy that."

Quinn's head fell backwards onto the mattress with an audible exhale. She _really_ didn't want to hear about Finn or their bedroom activities right now. And she really didn't need the imagery of Rachel splayed as someone did this to her. Apparently inefficiently, though. Quinn would be winning that contest with him at least. She was a quick study, and the emails on the subject were still in her inbox.

Rachel's warm breath was over her, providing no relief, and Quinn had not been prepared. Her eyes slammed shut as she clutched at the bed sheets. The touch was delicate at first, perhaps experimentally, but soon she was pressing deeper. Her tongue was flat as it stroked, and she was deliberate in her speed and direction. Quinn shuddered and pulsed and grasped at thick hair. It was the answering moan that pushed her over the edge.

Her orgasm came quickly. It took Rachel longer to untangle herself and crawl back up her body. She smiled and demurely ducked her head, tucking herself under Quinn's chin, and she looked so tiny that Quinn _fell_. Everything in her felt compressed and ready to burst out, and suddenly, she could not stop talking. Quinn told her that that was amazing, that _Rachel_ was amazing, before kissing her again. She told her that she was gorgeous and talented as she flipped them over and rambled on about how special she was. She told her everything but what Rachel asked to hear as she eased inside of her.

It wasn't surreal. It never bordered on being an out-of-body experience. But it wasn't supposed to be happening. They were never supposed to happen. It only made Quinn want it more.

*

Things moved quickly after that. After the wedding, Rachel visited Yale more often than she had before. She came without fail every other weekend. Quinn began planning her schedule around hers. She didn't go out as much anymore. There were groups she didn't join, and groups that she had already joined that no longer appreciated her or her lack of participation. It was _Rachel_ , and she'd have too many regrets if she didn't see this through. But if had been anyone else, she wouldn't have even contemplated putting something like this before herself and her future. That notion only seemed to make all of this worse. None of it was close to being healthy.

Rachel was using her. That much was obvious; had been from the start. Quinn was no stranger to using people so it was pretty easy to recognize and understand. Though, she didn't want to. She knew she was better than this. Ironic, given her own history, but she was now. Or she was supposed to be. So, against her better judgment, she decided to just ignore it all. And anyway, she figured she wasn't exactly a victim here. She had been taking advantage of Rachel and her situation too. Maybe not consciously, but she was aware of that in the back of her mind.

Rachel was being self-destructive, and it scared Quinn because that wasn't her role. Usually, that had been Quinn's role. She had no idea how to help that wouldn't result in her pushing the other girl away. She was not being a very good friend. She supposed she never really had been one. Friends cared if they were hurting each other. Friends didn't deny the possibility all together. Friends weren't detrimental. Friends didn't want each other in the way they did and definitely did not spend as much time in bed together.

*

It wasn't always just physical. That was the hardest part; the most difficult thing to accept.

Often times during her visits, Quinn would take Rachel out. They couldn't be called dates because this situation did not allow for dates, but they were in every way that counted. Her roommate and a few of her friends at school assumed they were a couple. Specifically, due to Rachel's calculated lack of presence on her Facebook, they thought they were a couple who just hadn't come out yet. _That_ had been difficult to explain or it was back when Rachel still wore her wedding rings. She had stopped doing that when she came here now, only hid them in her bags until she left again.

They were living in a fantasy. Quinn didn't do fantasies. She denied a lot until it boiled over and pushed for certain things even if they were out of her control. She rejected reality when it wasn't what she wanted or was simply too agonizing, and she used to plan out horrible futures for herself when she didn't think she was capable of anything else. But she had _always_ been realistic and self-aware, even at her lowest points. Sometimes her version of reality was admittedly a little warped, but it was still always reality. The only time she had ever imagined alternate paths was with Beth. To do that now, again, with Rachel would be like drowning.

Except she could. She could picture what this would be like–could have been like–if Finn was not around. It was too easy. In a way, she already had it. It didn't even require that much fantasizing. The only real difference would be that it would never hurt and that maybe some of their conversations wouldn't be as weighted. Maybe Rachel would be happier. Maybe Rachel…Maybe she would even feel the same way about her. _Maybe_.

*

Quinn didn't go back to New York until spring. Up until this point, staying away had been the smarter thing to do. But Rachel had asked her to come down for the weekend and despite everything in her telling her not to go, Quinn got on the train.

When she arrived, Rachel had seemed nervous; fidgeting the entire way back to the loft. By the time they got there, Rachel had moved up to afraid. Quinn couldn't figure out why she even invited her until it was clear that this was Finn's idea. All of Rachel's fear transferred over onto her. He must have found out. Why else would he want her here? Except Finn would have exploded by now at one of them, if not both of them, if that were true. More likely he actually wanted to spend time with old friends and Quinn was the only one in the vicinity. She calmed back down again after that.

It was difficult to spend the day with them. Kurt was there which helped and he had brought along his friend Adam which was an even better distraction, but she still had to watch them be a couple. Or more accurately, she had to watch them pretend at being a functioning couple. Rachel kept shooting her smiles that alternated from being awkward to apologetic, but she just looked away from each of them. Quinn had never been too great at stomaching seeing them together. Rachel pursuing Finn had been infuriating. Coming back the following year and having it confirmed that Finn would choose Rachel over her had been a bitter pill to swallow. Especially because her pride had only been on the line _for_ Rachel. Last year was like watching a slow-motioned train wreck, and now it was just painful.

They decided to get a late lunch from a small place the New Yorkers liked. Finn had insisted that Quinn go with him to pick it up. Rachel had started to get her shoes on when he played it off and told her to stay back and relax. He knew she was tired from her dance class and could use the break. Rachel very obviously began to panic again, but Quinn quickly agreed with Finn. She sent Rachel a soothing look, and the pair headed out. Quinn didn't _want_ to go, but something was on his mind and she was going to find out what.

"I think you'll really like it. The food, I mean. It's kinda cheap, but it's actually pretty healthy. They even have vegetarian stuff for Rachel. It's not vegan, but that's hard to always find." Finn shrugged as they waited for their order in front of the restaurant's counter.

It really wasn't something to shrug off. This was New York City. There were definitely more restaurants here than back in Lima that offered vegan entrées. Quinn saw it as nothing more than something Rachel had to give up because of Finn Hudson and his stupid, selfish proposal.

"I'm sure it will be great, Finn. I trust your taste." _Too much._

"I was actually wondering if we could maybe talk about something."

"Depends."

"It's about Rachel."

"I don't really want to get in the middle of you two." She was always in the middle. It didn't matter that it was Finn who had to decide between two girls, and that it was Rachel who got in the way of their relationship first. Somehow Quinn was always the one between _them_. Even last year when she really shouldn't have been involved at all.

"But you're her friend, right?"

"Yes, Finn, we're friends. You know that."

"She goes to see you a lot. Which wouldn't be weird if you lived here but you don't. It's just a long way to travel, is all."

"It's a two hour train ride. It's not that big of a deal.

"If it isn't, then how come you never come here?"

"I'm here right now."

"Yeah because I asked Rachel to invite you. Otherwise you wouldn't be."

Admittedly, that one stung. "I don't like the city. I guess we have that in common." It was defensive and mean and worse, it missed its mark. Finn wasn't discouraged at all.

"But that's not fair then. If you're really friends, then you shouldn't make Rachel do all the traveling."

She recognized that Finn was trying to be clever. She was actually surprised he didn't manage to look smug. Sometimes he was just so fucking tiring. "Trust me. I don't make Rachel do _anything_ she doesn't want to do. Now what do you really want to ask me?"

"Does Rachel really come to see you every time?"

"You're serious?"

"It's a pretty great lie if you think about it. You and I never talk. She could say she's going to see you and really go see someone else for the weekend."

"Someone like who? Last I checked Rachel doesn't have very many friends. Not nearly as many as she deserves. She's too busy making sacrifices at school for you."

_Bull's-eye._

He narrowed his eyes. "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Fine. Here's what I do know. I'm not going to spend hundreds of dollars on train tickets just so she could never use them. When have you ever known me to be that generous?" Finn looked sheepish at that, and Quinn found herself relenting. She didn't really have a place here to be complaining. Not with what she and Rachel were doing to him. She remembered the time he told her that the two of them cheating on him hurt so much because he thought it meant they didn't love him. That was probably the furthest thing from the truth in Rachel's case. She had always loved him too much. More than he earned anyway. "Rachel loves you. She married you. You don't cheat on people you love. You know that as well as I do."

"I just can't figure out how so much distance got between us. Last year everything was great."

"Last year you were in high school. That's nothing." She sighed and decided to give him some honest advice that she couldn't give to Rachel. Maybe he'd surprise her and actually listen. "Talk to her about it. She may understand more than you think she will."

He thanked her and smiled and told her she was a good friend to have before they finally got their food.

When Quinn went back to school, she ignored all of Rachel's calls. For the first time she didn't want this.

*

She was a coward. The avoidance lasted until Rachel stopped trying to get in contact with her. And that lasted until Rachel lost her patience and got on a train. She came to Quinn's dorm without notice because if she's being honest, their relationship has always seemed to cycle around and back again.

Rachel stood at her door, looking just as haggard as Quinn was. "Hi."

"Hi."

"I know that I should have called before coming here to make sure I wasn't conflicting with any prior engagements, but I didn't think you would take it anyway." Noticing they were alone, Rachel welcomed herself in. "I thought we said we weren't going to do this. You promised you wouldn't ignore me."

"I wasn't ignoring you."

It was a weak defense, and she rolled her eyes. "Avoiding me then."

Her red-rimmed eyes then searched for any explanation, and the only one suitable was the truth.

"Rachel, this needs to stop." It was not easy to say. "I can't–It's not fair to anyone. You come here because you don't want to face the fact that Finn Hudson doesn't fit into your life anymore. And you're using me to do it."

The superior attitude she had been exhibiting left her immediately. "That's not true. Quinn, I…I want this, okay? I want to be with you. I already told you that if I weren't married, we'd still-"

"But you are. The rest of it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what would have happened if Finn wasn't here because he is here. And clearly, he's not going anywhere."

"It's a little more complicated than-"

"He thinks you're cheating on him," she cut in. Rachel looked rightfully alarmed at this news. "Not with me, but I still had to sit there and try and reassure him that you weren't. This is going to destroy him, you know that."

There was no way this was going to stay hidden forever. Rachel had to know that too because for a moment she looked mortified before clearing it away.

"No." She glared determinedly. "You're not going to stand there and pretend to care about that or him and try and take some–some _holier_ _than_ _thou_ -" She clicked her mouth shut before taking a deep breath. "You knew what this was. We both did. So if you're going to pull away now, at least have the decency and _courage_ to be honest about why." The tears in Rachel's eyes matched her own as she stared her down, looking right through her. Quinn felt more exposed with her now than at any point over the last five months, not even when they were stripped bare. "You can't, can you? Santana said you'd never admit anything. Even now after we've been together, after everything you still won't-"

"Shut up," she snapped, pacing away. "Seriously, just shut up." Rachel had no right to be asking this of her. It wasn't fair and demanded too much without offering anything in return. It wouldn't change _anything_. Even if this rested on making a choice, Rachel would never choose her over Finn anyway. "What exactly do you want to hear? It won't magically fix everything. Do you _really_ want-"

"I want you to be honest! For once. Say it. Just once. Please," she implored, but Quinn just turned away further. Rachel released a frustrated cry, stomping her foot. "I don't understand why you ever started doing this. You used to be my friend. My friend who would tell me all the hard things I didn't want know. The one who would give me advice in tough situations whether I asked for it or not. That's what we were supposed to be for each other."

Quinn felt the implication was clear. That's all they were ever supposed to be. Certainly, they were not supposed to be what they were now. And yes, that was a conclusion she came to months ago before they even crossed that line, but when Rachel said it, it was irritating. It was _Rachel_ who started this. It was Rachel who dragged her away during the middle of her party. Quinn never would have done anything if Rachel hadn't been the one to come to her.

"Yeah, well it's a little late for that. Not that you ever listened anyway. In fact, I seem to remember you kicking me out of your _first_ wedding because of it. Which given how that one went, it probably should have been your first clue." The sob Rachel released was broken and pitiful, and Quinn recoiled. "I'm sorry, I didn't–I didn't mean that." She came closer, but Rachel brushed her away.

"Yes, you did." She leaned back against the door and offered a bitter, tearful chuckle. "Well, I wanted honestly."

"Rachel." Quinn came closer once more. It was easier now that Rachel had nowhere to go. "I am your friend. And the second, the _second_ , I think that you want my actual advice and opinion, I'll be the first one there. But you obviously don't. Because you still live with Finn and you still sleep with him and you're still married to him even though you're not happy. Neither of you are. Anyone who cares enough to look can see that."

Rachel shut her eyes, more tears spilling through. "Do you have any idea how much you matter to me?" Quinn had heard similar words before.

"An idea," she confirmed with a small smile. "But I can't keep being that person for you. Not the one you run to because you don't want to deal with something. It hurts, Rachel."

Rachel's face crumbled in response. "I'm so sorry. I keep messing everything up, and I really am sorry."

"I know," she assured her; she whispered over and over against her lips.

Being together didn't feel right this time. Touching each other did not feel essential. Quinn did not feel anxious or eager. It was just something that was expected and made a little more sense than everything else going on around them. It felt like the final time, almost like goodbye.

*

Kurt was the one to call her. Quinn and Rachel had not seen each other in about a month. Recently, they could at least say it was because of finals, except they hadn't really been speaking either. They had emailed each other twice, sharing nothing of importance, and that was it. It was like they went back in time to the beginning of the year. Quinn wasn't even sure if she wanted to fix it but then Kurt was calling her at a complete loss as to what to do.

Finn had left. He and Rachel had fought, and something must have finally broke because when Finn left he didn't come back. No one knew where he was. Ha hadn't told anyone where he was going, and calling went straight to voicemail. He wasn't with any of his friends from work. Burt and Carole hadn't seen him. It turned out that he was hiding out in Columbus for a day and a half before taking a bus home to Lima. While relieved, no one was any happier. His parents had been close to filing a missing persons report. Quinn couldn't even feel sorry for him. It was a cruel thing to do.

Rachel was beside herself with resignation. According to Kurt, she hadn't even been all that upset; only listless and defeated. She had confined herself to the apartment, and he had run out of helpful solutions. Kurt had tried to get Finn to come back home. He had tried to get her to talk about it. He had even tried to break her down but received no reaction. If Quinn had been a real friend, calling her in for reinforcements might have been a good idea. She only hoped her presence didn't make it worse.

Kurt came to meet her once she got in, and he wanted to discuss the best course of action to take. Quinn really didn't want to talk to Rachel with Kurt there so he graciously agreed to give them the apartment. Quinn made it upstairs and let herself in. Rachel looked horrible. She had shadows under her eyes and her hair was unbrushed. She wore a NYADA sweatshirt that was a size too big and pajama pants to match. Quinn had never seen her look so unkempt or so small. She didn't look like she had been crying, though. Just impassive. But when Quinn made her presence known Rachel looked up from the couch with a spark in her eye.

"What are you doing here?"

"Kurt called. Told me Finn left and that you weren't doing so well." Quinn took a seat in the chair opposite the couch. "What happened?"

After a long moment, Rachel finally filled the silence.

"Finn found out that I was the one who bought our train passes," she began dryly. "And we fought. Then he left and bought his own plane ticket without discussing it which I found to be very hypocritical."

Quinn waited for more. She already knew all of that. It was obviously not the full story. She doubted she would ever get that, however, and honestly didn't want it.

"He thinks you lied for me. And he demanded to know where I was really going. I told him I was going to see you. Which is kind of funny because it's actually the truth. But he's still right anyway." Rachel bit her lip fretfully. "And I did take the money. Money that we were supposed to be using for our Netflix bill."

"You should have said something. I would have bought the tickets." It was hardly what was important here, but she wanted her to know anyway.

"That's just it, though. I don't even regret it. Not any of it. I'm just sorry." She sounded so tired, and Quinn wanted to comfort her but it was smarter to maintain distance. "I really wanted this to work. Finn and New York. It was supposed to be so simple. But Finn's not happy here, and I'm not happy with him." Her confession was quiet and then she finally cried. Rachel cried a lot.

The need for distance was forgotten and without hesitation Quinn moved to the couch. She put an arm around her, rubbing soothing patterns on her back and waited for her breathing to even out.

"Please don't say I told you so."

"I wasn't."

"He hates his job. He finally told me that before he left. Finn moved here and took a job that makes him miserable just to stay with me. And the worst part is I don't think I'd do that for him. But I should."

It sounded less like a hypothetical. The way she said it made it sound like it was something Rachel had actually been considering.

"Well, you can't," she said slowly. "Rachel, you belong here. You always have. Don't think about giving that up just because you feel guilty about Finn actually having to get a job and support his wife. New York wasn't a sudden decision. He knew you were coming here before he proposed. If he didn't want to work some crappy job, then he should have been prepared to do something else. He had more than enough time."

"But he's tried so hard. A-and a marriage is supposed to be give-and-take. I've taken Finn for granted all year. Maybe it's just my turn to provide."

"Provide what? Are you going to go out and get your own job that you hate even though you already know _exactly_ what you want to be doing?"

"I don't know." She covered her face with her hands for a moment. "I feel like I owe him."

"That's not a good reason to stay with someone."

"What if I can't do it alone?" Rachel looked over her shoulder. It brought them closer together than Quinn would have liked, even if they just stumbled on the real reason behind Rachel's persistence with forcing this.

"New York? You've been prepared to do this your whole life. You'll be fine on your own."

"But I've never wanted to be," she cried again, getting up from the couch to pace around in agitated steps.

Quinn knew what it meant to feel alone. She knew the fear of chasing everyone away and have no one care enough to come back. She wanted to assure her that she wouldn't be, but it wouldn't be wise to make promises, not with where their relationship was at. More than that, Quinn didn't want to mistakenly reassure herself that Rachel would always be there.

"Come back here." Quinn held out her arm. She pulled her back down by the hand and waited until she knew the other girl was listening. "No one wants to. But you won't have to. Do you realize that you win everyone over? And it's not because of your talent. It's because of you." Rachel stared at her with expressive eyes far too intently. Quinn tried to ignore them. "And don't argue because I know that better than anyone. I know you get along with people at NYADA and maybe you're not as close as you'd like to be, but it's only been a year. You've got three more." She smiled. "You'll make those friendships and you'll casually date a bunch of people who you're too good for and you'll probably get a role on Broadway before you even graduate. Everything is just starting. And I know it doesn't feel like that because of your relationship with Finn but it is. You're going to get everything you want." She cupped her hand with both of hers. "Rachel, you are the _only_ person that I would _ever_ bet on."

She frowned quizzically. "I'm still married." There were too many possible reasons behind those words, and Quinn let go of her hand, drawing hers back into her lap. "And this isn't just a relationship. This is our lives. It's just…it's so _legal_." Her face scrunched up further.

"And you've got plenty of time to work it out. What are you doing the next three months?" she challenged.

"Well since that we don't live in a dorm and at least one of us needs to stay in the city, I was thinking of maybe taking a couple of summer classes o-or maybe apply for my own internship. Assistants are always needed, and it really is all about connections in this business. You should start looking into that yourself."

Quinn held back a laugh. The fact that this was still important to Rachel right now…God, she loved her. It coiled and stung and should not have been happening now when this was over. She swallowed and got back on track, promising to destruct it later. "You said at least one."

Rachel frowned again. "You don't think Finn should come back."

"I don't think you're going to figure this out if you stay in the same position you're already in. Something needs to change, and you have a whole summer." She shrugged. "But this is your choice, Rachel. Don't take my advice if it's because you don't know what else to do."

"What would that mean for us? You know, summer. Or after summer."

There was no _'us.'_ Rachel had to know that already.

"Do you love me?" she asked suddenly. "I mean, are you in love with me?"

Rachel opened her mouth and closed it again a few times before answering. "Quinn, I care about you so much."

Quinn cut her off in order to keep her emotions in check. It would not take much for her to start crying as well. "It's okay that you're not. I already knew that." The acceptance didn't make it hurt any less. "My point is, maybe we go back to being nothing more than friends. Especially if you don't know for sure what you're going to do about Finn."

"But what about you? What about what you want?"

"I think friends works better for me."

Rachel brushed the back of her fingers across her cheek in concern. "No, it doesn't."

Quinn removed her hand but held on to it. "Just give me this, okay?"

She would like to leave with some dignity intact, and it was a clean way out for Rachel. But Rachel didn't appear relieved at all and was barely able to nod.

"Whatever you want." Rachel turned and hugged her without preamble because that's what she had always done with Quinn, and this wasn't going to change that.

Quinn was uncertain if that made it easier or not.

*

McKinley High's 2013 Graduation happened during the first week in June. Most college terms across the country had already ended which meant all eight former glee club members were able to come home to support their friends. Mr. Schuester had called all of them and requested a reunion. But Finn didn't need to fly home. He had already been home for a week. It had been a week since he left New York. A week since he ran out on his wife.

Finn hoped it wasn't for good. He hadn't meant it for good. He was just so angry. And afraid. He didn't know what was true or not anymore.

Leaving wasn't the most mature thing he could have done. Not calling Rachel or Kurt or anyone had been pretty stupid. And avoiding them for the past seven days was definitely kind of selfish. It had been a horrible week. He had to keep dodging his parents' questions on why he had come back. He had probably been fired. Missing a week of work without giving notice usually meant you were canned. Though, his boss liked him and seemed to sympathize with his situation so maybe if he explained it and worked a week or two without pay to make it up, he could get his job back. If he wanted it, that is. He liked the guys who worked with him and he was getting pretty good at test runs and immediately detecting what was wrong with the cars brought in, but who moved to New York City to fix cars? Finn didn't even know people drove there. He had thought it was all taxi cabs. He wasn't sure this was what he wanted to keep doing, and today he would have to see Rachel again and she'd want an answer.

Burt and his mom were going to the graduation to cheer on Sam whose own parents had driven up for it and to discuss his future. The two parental units also just wanted to finally meet and go out for dinner afterward. They drove to the high school together early and waited to meet Kurt who had gotten a ride into Lima from Rachel's dads. Finn didn't want to be there yet. He didn't want to face it and instead walked around his old campus. It was so familiar to him. He had come here not knowing how to even survive before winning over the starting quarterback position. Then he was suddenly a king with the head cheerleader on his arm. For a while it had been great, but it was also lacking. And then he found glee. He found Rachel. He found something he really loved. Something he wanted to do just because. It had nothing to do with survival. It had nothing to do with his image. Finn _liked_ himself then. Was proud enough to be a leader and have kids he would normally never talk to follow him.

He didn't really know where it all went wrong.

The ceremony was when he first caught a glimpse of her, but they didn't sit together. Finn sat with Kurt and their parents while Rachel sat with Mercedes and Puck on the far end of his row. Santana sat with Quinn, Mike, and Joe who would be doing this next year. The dude seemed cool and all, he guessed, but Finn really didn't want to have to go to that one too. This graduation felt way longer than theirs did, probably because no one sang. He got antsy in his seat and contemplated just walking over to Rachel. They needed to talk. Except that would be rude. Today wasn't about them.

Once the hats were thrown and everything was over, they still didn't get any time together. Hugs were going around as everyone walked up the stairs and through the exits. The audience hung around the foyer and waited for the graduates to join them. They came out, and by then, Finn had lost her amongst the crowd. All he found was Puck.

"You look like crap."

"Thanks, man," Finn joked.

"How many hours are you working now?"

"The usual."

"Cool." Puck looked serious, for him, and hesitantly continued. "I heard you flew home early. Like a week early."

"Yeah, well, my mom needed help. Moving furniture. 'Cause, ya know, Burt has that heart thing." It didn't even sound believable to his own ears.

"Yeah, that sucks. I'm never getting old."

Finn laughed. "Dating girls younger than you won't make you younger, dude."

"Tell that to every mom whose pool I've cleaned." He smirked, waggling his eyebrows. "But I was actually talking about LA. Because everyone there gets their face done to look, like, twenty years younger. No one's ever older than forty. Except Clooney. Because it's Clooney."

"Who?"

"Look, I'm just saying LA? Pretty much the greatest place ever. I mean, look at my tan."

Finn did look pretty pale now that he looked down at their arms. "Well, I'm glad it's worked out."

"It has. But I could always use my best bro to help run my business. If you're ever interested," he offered before looking around. Puck lowered his voice. "Between you and me, Santana and Mercedes are totally taking over. I have no fucking idea what to do about them."

"Thanks. But I got a job. And Rachel."

"No, I get it. Stand me up for a chick." That got Finn to smile again, and Puck started to leave before turning back around. "The offer will always be there."

Puck left him alone, and Finn could do nothing but watch his friends. Everyone seemed happy, and he was happy for them. Mr. Schuester and Ms. Pillsbury were congratulating the graduates. The God Squad was having a mini reunion along with Sam's family. Artie and Sugar were laughing together with Mike and Tina. Santana was dragging Brittany away. Kurt and Blaine were having a conversation, and it looked like the first enjoyable one they've had in a year. He was surrounded by couples, past and present, and Rachel wasn't with him.

He went off in search of her and eventually found her in the choir room. It wasn't difficult to guess where she'd be. If it wasn't graduation, she would have been in the auditorium. She looked so beautiful today but somehow older in this setting. He didn't think he looked older at all.

Rachel smiled when she spun around and saw him. It was close-lipped and not that big of a grin. Hadn't been for some time and he wanted it back. "Hey."

"Hey. It's kinda weird being back, isn't it?"

She nodded, taking it all in. "It's seems smaller."

"Like maybe it didn't matter as much?"

"No, just smaller." She lost the relaxed expression on her face when she turned back to face him. "Are you coming back home?"

Finn felt like he was already home. Right here; the two of them together in this room.

"Do you want me to?"

"Only if that's what you want. I don't want you to come back to New York if you're only doing so because you feel like you have to. I want you to love being there like I do."

"Do you? Love being there? Because it doesn't seem like it."

She shrugged. "I like our loft. It's not what I wanted or what I pictured, but it's the perfect setting for an artist who's just starting out. It will be something to joke about in future interviews."

"See, I don't think it's a joke." More like hours of hard work. He was almost annoyed. Rachel never seemed to take what he did seriously. "It's something we earned. _I_ earned. Even if Burt and my mom are still helping to pay for it, it's something I take care of."

"Finn, I wasn't–That's not what I was saying." She sighed before continuing. "And you're right. You do take care of it. You do a _great_ _job_ , but you do it for me."

"I do it for us," he corrected.

"If I wanted to move out to Los Angeles right now, would you come with me?"

That actually sounded like it could be fun. Maybe all they needed was another change in location. They already had friends there too. Plus, he'd get a tan. "Why? Is that something you're thinking about?"

"No, of course not." His hope died there. "It's just a question."

"Okay, then sure. I'd come with you. We're married."

"And what if I wanted to move back here? What if on some off chance Broadway didn't work out and we had to come back to Lima?"

"Lima's home. That'd be fine. I don't understand what you're asking."

"What if I wanted to move to Mexico or France or China? And not because I even had a reason. Just because I wanted to. You'd still be there. You'd be there because I was there."

Finn frowned. This conversation was moving at a different speed than he was. "Yes, Rachel, I'd follow you, okay? Whatever you want. I'm always going to be there for you. That's not–I love you. You don't need to worry about that."

It was meant to reassure her, but Rachel only looked more wretched. "But I don't want you to. I want you to go places because you want to see them. And I want you to work a job because you love doing it. To have and pay for an apartment because you want to live there. And if in the future we happen to be in the same place and want the same things, then this can just…It can start up again then." She pulled her hands in front of her to begin twisting off the rings on her left hand, and that's when Finn began to panic.

"Wait. That can all happen in New York. Okay? I can make this work. I don't care about my job and that sometimes it sucks or that we never get hot water. I don't–The subway's fine when you don't talk to people. A-and the smell, it goes away after a while."

"I want you to have a dream, Finn. One that's just as important to you as mine is to me. _I_ cannot be your dream." Her tears fell through clenched eyes. "I can be your friend. Or your girlfriend. And maybe even your wife again one day. But until we're on equal footing, this doesn't work. You can't honestly tell me you've been happy this past year."

He really couldn't.

"So I'll ask you again. Are you coming back home?"

"Rach." He had nothing to say. The worst possible thing was happening, and he had nothing to say.

"I think we need a break." She reached over with a shaky hand to place the rings in his. "I know I do."

Finn stared dumbly down at his palm. "But we're, I don't–Why did you say even yes, then?" He was suddenly angry. Rachel had wanted to do this just as much as he had. She was just as sure.

"Because I loved you and I thought that would be enough." She shrugged again, regretfully now. "But it's not."

"It's enough for me."

"It's not. If it was, you wouldn't have left. There wouldn't have been anything to fight about."

He guessed that was true. They had been fighting for a while now. Nothing too big, just over little things mostly. It was better than before, though. Back when they just avoided it all together. Or it had been until last week. The argument they had last week wasn't little at all.

"I'm not giving up. Not entirely. I just…What's wrong with taking the summer? I'll stay in New York, and you can stay here. We can think about what we really want, separate from each other. Then when school starts again, we'll talk about it and make a decision. But only if we both want the same things."

It sounded reasonable, and he did miss being home here. He just wished Rachel was staying with him. But married couples separated all the time, right? It was not exactly a breakup. Not yet.

"Okay. We'll give separation a try." Finn pocketed her rings. He didn't want to lose them. Hopefully, he'd be giving them back in a couple months. "But for that to happen, Rachel, we need to talk. No fighting, just talk."

"We are talking."

"No, a different talk. You know which talk. And what happens after this summer…that depends on what you say."

"Finn-"

"Were you with someone?" He shut his eyes for a moment. "Because, look, Quinn lied for you. And you changed your makeup and you bought new dresses and I'm not stupid. Not about that. So just answer the question, okay? It's a yes or no."

She swallowed and held her head up, keeping her composure. "Yes."

Okay, he already knew that. So why did it hurt so much? He felt like he had just been sacked in the gut and had to squint against the tears he felt were coming. He really didn't want to cry. Rachel hated when he cried. It always made her twice as upset.

"Was it a onetime thing? More than once?"

She winced. "More than once."

"Twice?" he asked helplessly, but Rachel's face just dropped. "Is this…am I not? Do you not like being with me or something? Is it not… _good?_ I mean, we can work on–or fix that and-"

"That's not why…It wasn't about _that_. It wasn't about sex."

"So then what? Did you fall in love with another guy?"

"No, I just…I wanted an escape. From New York and our lives and our apartment…" she trailed off. It was obvious why she couldn't finish.

"From me? How is that _any_ _better?_ "

"Because it wasn't about you. It was about me. This is me, it's my fault. You didn't do anything wrong," she rushed out through more gathering tears.

"Yeah, it's about you and this other person. What, was it that Brody dude? Someone else from school? Did Jesse come back?" It'd be just like him. He could almost hear the serenade.

"What? No, it wasn't him. Or Brody. It wasn't anyone. That's not important." It seemed like a rather important detail if he were being asked. "Finn, please, I'm so sorry. A-and I know that doesn't fix it or-"

"How long, Rachel?" he quickly interrupted. Finn really didn't want to hear her apology. He was too busy keeping his anger in check as he ran through too many scenarios in his head. She didn't just cheat. This was an–an _affair_ or something.

"Since our New Year's party."

"That was months ago!" Weeks of built up rage that he had been holding in seemed to burst out at once, and he turned away, shoving the piano. He tried to ignore Rachel's flinch at the noise as it came to a halt.

Brad will be pissed, but he didn't really care right now. This douche was in their apartment, using the electricity and gas and all the stuff _Finn_ paid for. He couldn't figure out who it was, though. He didn't remember Brody being there. Most of the guys there seemed to be gay, actually. The only ones who weren't…No, there's no way Rachel could have even known any of the guys from work, and Puck wouldn't do that to him. _Not again._

"Hey, what's going on? Are you guys okay?" He felt a hand grip his shoulder and turned to find his former teacher. "Finn, calm down."

He hadn't even seen Mr. Schue come in. Or the rest of their friends. Finn kind of forgot that they were going to have a glee party in here to celebrate, and now they all just seemed concerned. It made sense. He could feel the vein pumping in his neck. He knew his face was red and his breathing was uneven. And lord knows they could all see Rachel was upset. He didn't like feeling all of their eyes on them. This should be something private. It was embarrassing to look back at them and see how worried they were. Every single glee club member was standing there, probably worried he was going to kick another chair. Every…all but one. Quinn didn't look worried at all. Quinn looked afraid. He had seen that look before.

_Puck_ wouldn't. Not again.

"New Year's," he was muttering to himself now, but she had been there. She had gotten there early. He remembered because Rachel dragged her away to the store for some last minute supplies. Quinn said she wanted to pay for them to make up for not bringing anything by train. "Oh my god."

All those trips to New Haven. How many times did she go to Yale in the last five months? How many weekends did she spend the night?

"Finn."

He knew, and Rachel knew he knew.

"Are you sleeping with her?" This time he received no answer and was very aware of New Directions' collective surprise as he looked to Quinn instead. "What about you? Huh? Are you screwing my wife?"

"Please. Paranoid much? Like Loosey Q would ever want to touch your midget with a ten foot pole," Santana interjected with an audible scoff. Rachel and Finn both shot her a glare. "What? You should be thankful I ignored the penis pun in there."

"Santana," Will scolded.

"I need to get out of here."

"Finn, wait-"

"Is it true?" He turned back around to Rachel. Maybe he was a loser, but he needed the confirmation. "Just give me that much."

"Yes." All sound was gone and replaced with a buzzing in his ears. He couldn't hear what she was saying and was barely able to see anything past his own nose. Finn needed to leave. "But it's not still going on and it-"

She tried to stop him, but he only jerked his arm away. "Don't!" He took another step back. "This is what you wanted! Isn't it? You wanted this to end for a reason. One that meant _you_ didn't need to admit to failing. That we're both _failures_."

"Finn, no, that's not-"

"Why else would you do it with her!" Finn wasn't that dumb. He knew Rachel was attractive and that there were plenty of people in New York who would be interested, but she chose Quinn. _Quinn_ , "of all people?"

He had been here before. Finn had been here in this exact room, with most of these exact people. He had stood by while Rachel and Quinn both cried, and Mr. Schue tried to calm him down. Had learned that the girl he was in love with had cheated on him and had been lying about it for months. It had been four years, and nothing had changed. The only difference was that Quinn wasn't a guy so he couldn't punch her face in. This was so messed up.

"This is so messed up."

Finn stormed his way to the nearest exit but stopped when he caught sight of Quinn again. All he could think about was the last time he spoke to her, and in that moment, he _hated_ her. Maybe both of them.

"You know what?" He laughed, but the sound of it was awful. It cracked into a sob halfway through. "You two deserve each other."

*

He wasn't even sure how he made it home. He didn't even remember the drive. He must have been on autopilot or whatever it was called. Luckily, his parents were still out with Sam's, and Finn was able to sneak up to his old bedroom without any trouble. He didn't know how to explain to Burt that he was no longer going to be using the apartment the man was leasing. And he really didn't know how to look at his mom and tell her that his wife had been cheating on him. She'd comfort him and maybe make his favorite kind of cheesecake, but she'd also try and get him to talk about it. He didn't know what to say about feeling ashamed with himself over something he didn't even do.

Finn was silently alone for a half an hour or so before anyone came and found him. He was relieved it was just Kurt, but he couldn't deny that a small part of him wanted it to be Rachel.

"Not the most original place to hide," his brother noted as he came farther into the room. "Are you okay?"

"My wife has been sleeping with my ex-girlfriend because she was that unhappy in our marriage. No, I'm not okay."

Kurt calmly took a seat next to him on the edge of the bed. "Rachel was pretty inconsolable after you left."

"I don't care."

"Yes, you do."

He did, and that only made him angrier.

"After completely ruining the graduation party, which Santana's pretty pissed about on Brittany's behalf so I'd look out for her, I did get Rachel to open up," Kurt informed. "I don't think this is something either of them intended. I think Rachel was just scared that the future she's had planned her entire life wasn't going the way it was meant to."

Finn glowered at him. "Don't defend them."

"This isn't me defending them. I won't be defending them. I was just trying to see her side of things."

"She cheated. And she lied. That's her side."

"I understand that you're upset, but in a few days when you calm down, I think you'll realize there was more to it than that. Face it, Finn, you haven't been happy in New York since moving to New York."

He had no reason to deny that now. "No, I haven't. But I didn't go run off and have sex with someone else."

"You won't like what I have to say, but this is for the best."

"What? Losing Rachel?"

"You haven't lost her. Not permanently."

"Because in five years I might actually know what I want to do and it might work out?" He got up to pace his floor, stopping near his closet out of habit. There used to be dirty clothes over here to kick into a ball, but now his room was clean and unlived in. "I don't get why everyone keeps telling me I need to know what to do. People grow up and get married, and they get a job. I've done that. Why isn't that enough?"

"You don't need to know what you want to do." Finn shot him a look. "You don't. Not yet. None of us do. And it's great that some of us do, that Rachel does, but it's not a life requirement." He was using his joking tone. Finn didn't appreciate that either. "There's no schedule. Not if you don't have someone to support. I'm sorry, but you never should have gotten married. You never should have proposed."

"Rachel said yes."

"And she shouldn't have. Not yet. Not in high school. Not before either of you have even had a chance to live your lives yet." He sighed. "Finn, you're my brother and I love you, but ever since I've met you, you've always tried to be something to someone. Whether that's the perfect son or popular quarterback or Mr. Schue's mentee or Quinn's prom king or Puck's fellow delinquent or Rachel's dramatic turn of a love interest. It never seems to end with you." He was still trying to be lighthearted about this, except it didn't sound right and it wasn't working. "When are you ever just Finn?"

Finn didn't know what to say about that either which only left him more frustrated. He was always _just_ _Finn_. That didn't even make any sense. Who else would he be?

"You get to figure that out now. You get to find something that you love to do. At your own pace." He smiled encouragingly. "You'll get there." Kurt walked over and gave his arm a quick squeeze before leaving him alone with his thoughts again.

Finn plopped back down onto his too-small bed. This sucked. He had nothing. At least being married gave him something to say when random relatives he didn't really remember or people on Facebook he didn't really know asked him how his life was going. He had something to talk about at work when the guys were all talking about their kids' science projects or college tuition. Now what? He lost his wife and his job. High school was over. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to go to college. And he felt _really_ bad about all of that. Like he was just one, big disappointment. Everyone else had figured it out already. Something was obviously wrong with him, and he didn't know how to fix it. What if he _never_ fixed it?

Finn had no idea what he was going to do.

*

Rachel spent the summer by herself in New York, and Finn stayed home in Lima. He had friends there between the recent graduates and Mike coming back for summer break. Noah even stayed behind two weeks to help Finn in this newest life transition. Rachel didn't have anyone to act as a support system. Kurt was with her for a few weeks until his internship finished up in July. He insisted he stay in New York with her, but Rachel knew how much he wanted to spend some time with his family and help prepare Blaine, who would be making the move to the city in the fall. She put on a bright smile and convinced him that she would be fine. That left her alone.

Quinn was out of reach, having chosen to spend her own vacation in Los Angeles with Santana and Mercedes and now Brittany. She supposedly had no reason to stay at Yale over summer, and she didn't want to be in Lima. Their friends all assumed it was because she didn't want to run into Finn, and while Rachel was sure that was a part of it, she doubted Quinn would've have wanted to go back to Ohio regardless. There was a fear of getting stuck there despite how hard you worked to get out. Rachel would know. She had the same one. LA was the better option according to their phone conversations. Quinn was enjoying herself even if she complained about having to help move Puck and Artie into Sugar's newly purchased beach house.

It was not as bad being alone as she thought it would be. That sounded like something she used to tell herself before she had friends in order to feel better, but it was true now. It wasn't ideal, of course, but Rachel had all these fantastic possibilities right out in front of her. She could go to Callbacks now and schedule dates to see people outside of school. She could sign up for a few summer courses and look for a job to nourish her talent. She could even go on auditions at NYADA now that she finished her freshman year. Heck, she could even audition professionally if she so chose. She could get divorced...Rachel could do that too.

The divorce proceedings themselves were relatively quick and painless. Rachel was still young enough to be on her fathers' health insurance plan, and the apartment wasn't in her name or Finn's. Burt planned on staying on as a renter since Kurt would still be living there next year. Financially, it was easy to separate. Legally, it was easy to drop the hyphen. Her parents and Finn's both seemed to be relieved that it was over. It was like they had been waiting patiently for this to transpire. It was shipping Finn's things home that hurt. He didn't have much there. Nothing that was too big to fit in a box. Finn didn't even need to come back and pick anything up. Within a day, every physical trace of him had been gone.

She missed him. How could she not? He had been the biggest part of her life the last four years, and the gaping hole he left behind was not easily filled. She missed having someone to rely on without question. She missed knowing someone was always going to be there no matter what. Even when they weren't yet together or after they had broken up the first time, Finn was always just one call away, and he'd be there to help her and support her. She missed _him_ , but she didn't miss their relationship. Not really. What she missed was the relationship they had in high school. Rachel missed the way she used to sing to him, and she missed the thrill of having him choose her and glee over his reputation and–and, well, and over _Quinn_.

Rachel really missed Quinn. She missed her smile because Quinn still didn't do that enough. She missed giving compliments and watching Quinn not know how to take them. She missed her scholastic organizational skills and how Quinn always understood exactly what she was complaining about in regard to college. She even missed her tiny, extortionate dorm. Suffering through two breakups within only a matter of days between them was excruciating. She wanted her friend back. More than anything, Rachel wanted her friend back. Shallow conversations about summer vacation happenings were not cutting it. Quinn had always meant more than that.

Rachel completely understood why Quinn didn't provide more. You weren't supposed to hurt the people you loved, and Rachel had spent the last year doing that. She had so much to make up for. It was smothering to list out everything she had to make amends for, and sometimes afterward, she'd clutch her list and spend the night crying while watching Bravo. Rachel had no idea where to begin beyond strengthening their friendship again. She was single now so that would hopefully make everything just a little less complicated. But maybe it would also change certain things. Moving forward scared her but regressing would be devastating. Okay, so maybe it wouldn't be less complicated at all.

After McKinley's graduation, they didn't see each other again until school had already started up for the fall semester. Rachel invited her out for a weekend in New York. It was still too soon to be going to New Haven where it presented too many reminders and offered too many opportunities for them to fall back into old habits. Besides, Quinn needed to be in control here. Quinn needed to be the one to approach her again otherwise this would never work.

Rachel hugged her as soon as she spotted her. No matter what was happening with them, she never wanted to go this long without seeing her again. She pulled back with smile. "Hi."

"Hey, yourself." Quinn let go of Rachel's waist to pick up her bag again.

"California seems to agree with you. You look…really great, Quinn." It came out choppy. She wanted to say more; more than just great because that's what Quinn was. She saw the effect anyway. With Quinn, it was all in the brush off.

"Yeah, well, I think the tan is officially fading. You should have seen how badly I burned."

"Next time."

"Maybe. So what's on your agenda? I know you have one." Rachel stared and just _looked_ for the first time in months. Quinn started fidgeting. "What's wrong? Something on my face?"

"I've missed you." She blushed. She could sense it getting awkward. "But since that you've asked, I thought we'd drop your stuff off at the loft and say hi to Kurt before going to get coffee? There's this place we found a few blocks away. It's about a fifteen minute walk. Less even, if we cut corners."

"Coffee?"

Today was crucial to everything that would happen after it, and Rachel had debated for a long while on how she wanted them to spend it. Coffee was perfect. It was not too presumptuous, but it could also be considered more.

"Coffee." She nodded.

Rachel reached over to take Quinn's bag from her and slung it over her shoulder. Ignoring the look she received, she led them out of Grand Central Station.


End file.
